Well, unfortunately it appears that so far, at least, there's precious little to report from the D: All Things Digital conference in terms of grievous bodily harm inflicted by and/or on speakers Steve Jobs and Bill Gates, as we had originally projected; apparently the Wall Street Journal did a fine job in keeping the two CEOs out of range of sight (and smell) of each other, damn the luck. Still, while we would have preferred some juicy excerpts from a blood-spattered police report smuggled out of the emergency room (there's just an innate poetry in the phrase "compound fracture"), we suppose a few tidbits on Apple's future direction straight from the Steve's mouth will have to suffice. Of course, by "straight from the Steve's mouth" we actually mean "allegedly said by Steve according to some guy at the PowerPage credited only as 'Apple Fan,'" but hey, it just doesn't get much more direct than that, right?

Anyway, there's news (such as it is), and that news is not all good-- at least, not to gossip hounds trying desperately to keep hope alive for certain long-standing rumors still clinging to life. For instance, Steve Jobs has now once again gone on the record to state in no uncertain terms that Apple is not working on a PDA. (That sound you just heard was the collective wail of a couple dozen remaining "Apple handheld" holdouts.) According to Steve, the company's research indicates "that people primarily want a small device which has copies of data already on their computer"-- hence, the Contacts/Calendar/Notes features in the latest iPod. Rather than spend time, money, and development resources on trying to break into the incredibly unfriendly PDA market (how unfriendly? Ask Palm's stock price, assuming you can get it to come out of its coma long enough to reply), Apple has instead decided to ensure that Macs can sync all that data with iPods and the latest mobile phones.

Yeah, but what about phones? Nope, Apple doesn't plan to market its own mobile phone, either. (That sound you just heard was the collective scream of the last few people still clinging to the iPhone rumors.) It seems that "existing phone makers are too good," and Apple wouldn't bring enough to the table to improve things much. Our advice? If you're so married to the idea of owning an Apple-branded mobile phone try this: since Apple's going to be supporting all the best new phones to hit the streets anyway, just buy the one you like best, slap an Apple sticker on it, and live firmly in denial. It's a perfectly valid lifestyle choice these days, and no longer anything to be ashamed of.

Ah, but what about the long-rumored color-LCD video/photo iPod? Nuh-uh. Steve says there's "not much of a market" for such a thing, so Apple isn't making one. (That sound you just heard was the microwave beeping. The "vPod" proponents are making popcorn, so they haven't heard the bad news yet.) The reasoning here is that the screen would be too small to be all that useful, so a 'Pod that can show iPhoto slideshows and iMovies is out-- mostly. While a unit with an integrated color LCD isn't in the cards "until someone invents a great folding screen," Steve is considering a "small device to drive a TV as the presentation vehicle." So, see, folks? At least there's something to cling to.

Time for another iTunes Music Store sales bulletin! (Yes, it really is that slow of a news day. Shoot us. Shoot us now.) Apparently Apple doesn't feel that the latest sales figures are quite nifty enough to justify yet another press release, but they aren't bad enough to cover up, either: the New York Times reports that the company has sold three million songs in its first month, a feat that the Times refers to as "impressive... considering the limited access that music fans now have to the service." By "limited access," of course, the Times means that right now only those tree-hugging hippie weirdos who use Macs can participate. It's called a "thinly-veiled dig," we believe; we hear it's all the rage on the runways in Milan this spring.

So let's take a look at the figures so far. It took Apple seven days to sell its first million songs, nine more to sell its second million, and (apparently) another fortnight to sell its third. As far as slowdowns from an initial launch go, that doesn't sound all that bad-- provided, of course, that the decline levels off and this isn't a pattern we're witnessing, here. If it is, and every third million takes twice as long to rack up, then Apple won't hit ten million until sometime in September of 2004... or twenty million until 2047. We can just see the press release for that milestone: "iTunes Music Store Tops Twenty Million Song Downloads; Cryogenically-Preserved Head of Galactic Emperor Steve Jobs Gives Thumbs-Up From Flying Car (Figuratively Speaking)."

Assuming that the decline does level out, though, it seems to us that the iTunes Music Store might actually be-- dare we say it?-- sustainably profitable, and not just a loss-leader to sell more iPods. There's also the fact that Apple originally hoped to sell just one million songs in its first month as a music vendor, so you have to figure that the record labels are pleasantly surprised by the triple-strength performance-- which may help them get over their reluctance to license music for the Windows version of the service due out by the end of the year. (Only two of the five labels have signed on so far.)

Provided that happens, and iTunes for Windows can offer the same Music Store selection available to Mac users, we figure it'll be a hit; after all, iPods are pretty darn popular among the Wintel set, we hear, so there's no reason to think that Wintellian iPodites won't switch to iTunes for Windows to take advantage of the whole integrated package. From there, it's not a massive leap to think that at least some of those Wintellians will be so impressed with Apple's handling of the music spoke on the digital hub that they'll eventually switch to a Mac to enjoy iPhoto, iMovie, and the experience of owning a computer that was actually "designed" instead of merely "assembled." And then it's just a short trip to scads of Wintel users migrating to the Mac, eventually tipping the market share scales in Apple's favor, and whammo-- a few decades later, we've got a mercurial frozen head running the galaxy. What could possibly go wrong?

Anyone who's followed the various doings of Apple for longer than about twelve minutes knows that the company rakes in awards like most of us shovel down Baked Lays; in addition to snagging about seventy-kajillion design awards thanks to the impeccable aesthetic sense and appreciation of form-as-function of lead designer Jonathan Ive, the company has even added a couple of Emmys and a Grammy to its trophy case. Winning awards is old hat to the company now. They probably have a truckload of 'em dumped on their loading dock every other day.

But not like this. We're pleased as punch to see over at Macworld UK that Apple has finally won the coveted Silver AD&D award for its G4 iMac. Personally, we have absolutely no idea what the iMac has to do with Advanced Dungeons & Dragons (or the world of fantasy role-playing games in general, for that matter), but we couldn't be happier about it than if you whacked us with a +4 Mace of Giddiness. Here's hoping that this honor sells more Macs to the funny-dice-and-funnier-names crowd, and may the spirit of E. Gary Gygax smile upon Apple forevermore.

Oh. Uh, wait... we've just been informed that Apple's latest accolade is, in fact, not the Silver AD&D Award, but rather the Silver ADD Award, bestowed upon the company by the Attention Deficit Disorder Association. This prestigious award, also known as "The Big Silver Ritalin," recognizes a corporation's outstanding contribution to the advancement of research into the causes and treatments of...

...Um...

Okay, scratch that, too. As it turns out, Apple's G4 iMac has in fact won the Silver D&AD Award, otherwise known as the Yellow Pencil, from British Design & Art Direction. So it's just another design award after all. Which is still nice and all. As for the other stuff, never mind.