Ah, yes; when it comes to getting the best bang for the buck (AppleDrama™-wise, that is), the only thing better than a juicy new lawsuit to gawk at is, well, a juicy old lawsuit to gawk at. Preferably one that's been rehashed so many times it's starting to look like the Friday "Meat Dish Surprise" in a grade school cafeteria. So what better way to get your litigationalicious ya-yas out than by revisiting that crusty old classic of (da da da dummmmmmm!) Apple vs. Apple?

Sure, you know the old bedtime tale: in the early '80s, lawyers from the pre-existing Apple Records (the Beatles' label) started beating up on Apple Computer (not the Beatles' label) over the use of the name. Apple (our Apple) agreed to license the name from Apple (the other Apple) and promised never to go into the music business. Macs eventually gained 16-bit stereo sound and digital audio playback, so in the late '80s Apple (that Apple, not this Apple) came a-knockin' with a lawsuit. Apple (this Apple, not that Apple) eventually settled and paid $35 million to keep using the name without having to stop making sound-capable Macs. And they all lived happily ever after.

At least, until a couple of months ago when rumors flew that Apple (the One True Apple™) was thinking about buying Universal Music Group for $6 billion, and Apple (not the One True Apple™) threatened once again to sue if the deal went through. That buyout never materialized, but now MacDailyNews notes a piece over at Fox News claiming that "The Beatles... are gearing up for a fight," presumably over the iPod, the iTunes Music Store, the alleged impending deal with Amazon, and the various other ways in which Apple (Yay Apple Rah Rah Rah) is branching into the music biz-- ways which Apple (Big Meanies Boo Boo Boo) never sanctioned.

Now, you all know we're big fans of courtroom drama, but there's something about how this whole "getting sued by the Beatles" thing keeps biting Apple on the kiester every ten years or so that we find somewhat unsavory. So we're going to propose something radical: we suggest that Steve raid Apple's $4 billion-whatever war chest, grab however many fistfuls of cash totals, say, a cool billion or so, and throw it at the other Apple's lawyers and watch the ensuing feeding frenzy. In exchange for this billion dollars, the other Apple must agree 1) to yield all rights to the name "Apple" in any context whatsoever, and 2) to change its own name to "Stubborn Bastards Who Just Can't Let It Drop Records, Ltd." Deal?

Do you love the iTunes Music Store, with the possible exception of, oh, say, just about every single one of the 200,000+ songs it sells? Does the blood of the Indie Label run deep in your veins? Do you still have a vintage SST "Corporate Rock STILL Sucks" bumper sticker slapped on your rusting Chevy Impala? Are you so D.I.Y. that you not only change your own oil, but you also transplant your own kidneys? Then you're probably still waiting for Apple to follow through on Steve Jobs's recent promise to talk to the indie labels in hopes of offering some music that appeals to your own broader interests.

Well, nifty news-- apparently it wasn't just an idle threat. MacMinute links to an MTV News article reporting that "Apple has invited hundreds of indie label representatives to a private presentation on Thursday" at One Infinite Loop. Hundreds? Yikes! And that's just to start. Among the indies scheduled to attend are Sub Pop and Matador, who could conceivably agree to populate the iTMS with tracks by such bands as Nirvana, Interpol, Sunny Day Real Estate, and Pretty Girls Make Graves. No, they're not necessarily the indiest of the indies, but it's a nice start. Maybe this will eventually pave the way for an iTunes Music Store with a healthy selection of music by artists that nobody's ever heard of. We can but hope.

Then again, we can't help feeling that there's something inherently suspicious about Apple gathering hundreds of indie label reps into one small room. Let's not forget, Apple secured licensing rights from the Big Five industry labels that were hitherto unprecedented for an online music service; did you ever stop to wonder exactly how? We're beginning to suspect that, in return for the right to distribute the major label catalogs, Steve Jobs agreed to a pivotal role in a diabolical scheme to eliminate any potential up-and-coming competition. Here's a tip, record execs; if lunch tomorrow is tuna salad, run.

"Hundreds of independent label owners dead in Cupertino after ingesting tainted mayonnaise; indie music scene in chaos, major labels report 36% increase in Britney Spears CDs sold. Film at eleven."

Could it be? Oh, it be; it's time once again for everyone's favorite guessing game, "Product or Pipe Dream?" Yes, folks, you too can win fabulous prizes simply by guessing whether the latest round of alleged "spy photos" are genuine contraband snapshots of unannounced Apple products, or just the contrivance of some sad individual with a bootleg copy of Photoshop and way too much time on his hands. Well, okay... we lied about the "fabulous prizes" part. But hey, at the very least it's a great way to kill an afternoon at work, thus contributing still further to the rampant decline of productivity and the eventual collapse of civilization as we know it. Everybody wins!

So here's the deal: a site called Top Technical Tips (no, we've never heard of them either) recently posted some photos of what is allegedly the box for some sort of Apple "thing" called Pal. The box boasted a green stylized lightbulb graphic, the Pal product name, and a smattering of marketingspeak that was cut off in the photo, but includes such interesting phrases as "Green Light the Internet," "take your life on the road," and "Forget disks. Forget syncing." So whaddayathink? Some new Apple software product that lets you access your Desktop from any Mac via the Internet? Or some hoax intended to generate a zillion hits to an otherwise obscure new web site? Answer correctly and this lovely KitchenAid 5-Speed Blender can be yours!

No, actually, we're lying about the blender, too, but it's still fun to play. The photos vanished (ahem) from TopTechTips, but several kind people in the MacRumors forums posted links to their own copies, so you can still judge for yourself. Personally, we think they look nice, but they still smell about as fishy as Mrs. Paul after a long day of deboning flounder. We're not buyin' it.

We could easily be wrong, of course (in fact, we thought we were wrong once before, but we were mistaken), and given the latest update at TopTechTips (culled from the MacRumors forums, we gather), we hope we are. After all, who wouldn't want a "small wireless device with a touch sensitive screen, which can remotely login to your desktop Mac" with a "pen-based input method" that's positioned as a "Mac companion" that's "suitable for surfing the web on the move"? There have been those rumors of a new Apple "digital lifestyle device" coming soon, you know. So could it be true? Could Pal indeed be a "handy means of accessing your Desktop and the Internet wherever you are"? Get it right and you could go home with this invigorating Acupressure Foot Spa!

But not really.