Important periodontal safety tip, people: don't cruise the rumors sites while flossing, because mixing good oral hygiene habits with the element of surprise is really just asking for trouble. That said, by the bleeding of our gums, something wicked this way comes! Wicked fast, that is. Maybe. Assuming you trust the French, and maybe the Germans-- and really, why wouldn't you? Everyone knows that the best Mac dirt these days is imported from Europe. Yes, folks, it's true; good ol' American Apple rumors apparently just weren't cutting it anymore, and the Europeans saw a need and filled it.

So what's the buzz that sent a length of Glide cutting right into our gingiva? Mac Rumors reports that the forums of French Mac rumors mainstay MacBidouille are rife with reports of mysterious Apple boxes arriving on the loading docks of Mac reseller FNAC, tantalizingly labeled "Do Not Open Until Christmas (Or Monday, June 23rd-- Whichever Comes First)." Furthermore, said boxes are said to come in two sizes: "laptop-sized" and "much larger." Yeah, yeah, we know-- we should be really suspicious of reports like this, but what can we say? The closer we get to Christmas, the more we believe in Santa. And besides, Mac Rumors itself claims that "Apple Stores are also receiving palettes this week which are not to be opened until Monday afternoon." Awwww... can't we open just one, Mom? Please?

But wait, there's more: apparently Apple Germany is planning an invite-only WWDC keynote satellite party that promises to be "an unforgettable event." While that could just be based on the fact that Apple rented a pony and hired "Herr Bubbles" (recently voted by editors of Party Clown Weekly as "Berlin's Least Disturbing") as pre- and post-broadcast entertainment, we suspect it's more likely got something to do with the bits in the invitation along the lines of "discover the future," "new age of computing," and "top all your previous expectations on speed." All of which strongly implies to us that, come Monday, Cupertino gets a new area code-- and it'll be 970, baby!

Not literally, though. Don't go changing the area codes of all the Cupertino numbers in your Address Book, because you'll wind up talking to someone in Kremmling, Colorado, and we all know how painful that can be.

No, what we meant to imply is that while it's all still just hearsay at this point, the say we're hearing hints strongly at a whiz-bang Power Mac G5 intro this Monday, with immediate availability right after the keynote. And while we're trying desperately not to get our hopes up until we see something at least vaguely resembling evidence, we have to admit, we're starting to get a little antsy. Must... control.... enthusiasm... Must... think... underwhelming... thoughts...

Holy cats, the Apple-branded PDA cranks were right: it's the return of the Newton! The Mac Observer breathlessly points out an Apple patent for "multiple personas for mobile devices," which clearly includes diagrams of a Newton MessagePad 130. "Big deal," you say; "why wouldn't Apple have patents on Newton technology? It was a groundbreaking platform, and there are all sorts of innovations that Apple should have patented." Well, duh, Durwood-- but this patent wasn't even submitted until last November, a good half a decade after the Newton got Steved. It was published just days ago.

You realize what this means, of course; it's the return of the Newton! Clearly the reason why Apple never sold off the technology or kept it spun off as a wholly-owned subsidiary was because it wanted to develop a next-generation Newt in secret-- and after five excruciatingly long years for heartbroken Newton fans, that development is finally ready to bear fruit. Why, we bet that the real news at WWDC won't be the Power Mac G5, or a new 15-inch PowerBook, or any of the other "mainstream" rumors flying around out there right now; it'll be the relaunched Newton MessagePad 130, now featuring TINT CONTROL!

Now, we're aware that there are plenty of arguments against this prediction, such as the fact that if Apple were going to revive any Newton, it'd obviously opt for the later-generation MessagePad 2x00 series instead of the older 130. Or that the patent dug up by The Mac Observer covers technology sufficiently broad to cover pretty much any mobile computing device with a screen, and is therefore valuable to Apple even if it never releases another PDA again. Or that said patent is a continuation of an existing patent-- from August 7th, 1995, just months before the MessagePad 130 was released-- and therefore can't contain any new technology at all. All good arguments, we agree. But we have just one thing to say.

Look, it's the Return of the Newton!

"Pssst... Hey, kid... Wanna try Windows? Go on, all the cool kids are doing it. The first hit's free. Just click that Start button, there..." Ah, the malevolence of early indoctrination; hook 'em when they're young and you've got a loyal customer for life. And while that might sound a tad unsavory when applied to the tobacco industry or the drug trade, it takes on a positively evil slant when you're talking about Windows use. The stuff is in our schools! Our schools, can you believe it? How on earth are we to protect our children? After all, here at AtAT we believe that children are our future. Teach them well, and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride to make it...

Um...

Let's try that again, without slipping into diva mode. Basically, we figure that shielding our kids from the evil of Windows is absolutely essential, and applying the ever-popular principle of the end justifying the means, that includes acts like manacling them to a wall in the basement, sawing off their legs (humanely, of course), or, as modestly-- and presciently-- proposed by Jonathan Swift in the 18th century, eating them. Sure, some of these methods may seem a wee bit harsh, but really, anything's better than letting the next generation start down a long road of chronic Windows exposure that eventually leaves them tasteless, dead-eyed, and numb in some fluorescently-lit cubicle somewhere, condemned to the twilit unlife of the terminal Windoid.

Besides, Windows exposure prevention doesn't necessarily have to be a grim proposition; there are some less drastic alternatives to amputation and cannibalism, and some even have the added benefit of exposing our kids to the elegance and beauty of the Mac. For example, faithful viewer James Ferguson tipped us off to Apple Camp, Apple retail's own contribution to the prevention of juvenile Windows exposure. Just buy a Mac at any Apple retail store between now and August 10th, and you can send your first-through-ninth-grader to Apple Camp free of charge, where he or she will engage in "fun, hands-on workshops" right in your local Apple store. What better way to keep your offspring away from the perils of Windows use than to expose them to a far less dangerous (and far more attractive) alternative?

But what about when the kids return home from camp? No worries-- you'll have that new Mac you bought, which will serve as an eternal reminder of the elegance and inherent simplicity of the Light Side of the Force. And should they ever stray, say, when they hit high school and a bad crowd persuades them to get a Dell for playing all the games that aren't available on the Mac, hey, you can always shoot them. More time on the Mac for you!