Okay, you weekend viewers: draw the curtains, lock the doors, and check your light fixtures for bugs before reading the following recon from eagle-eyed faithful viewer and fellow conspiracy theorist Winston Collier:

How could Apple get CompUSA, a notoriously weak supporter of Apple, to agree to open these salon stores? Simple: by secretly agreeing to give them a larger share of the Apple pie. Think about it; with all of the retail chains currently being forced to stop selling Apple computers, it seems only logical that Apple's goal was consolidation.

Logical, indeed-- if Apple was serious about reforming its retail presence, it makes sense that they'd do anything in their power to get in good with the biggest computer retail chain out there, and that's CompUSA. What if Apple told them they could be the exclusive retail seller of Apple equipment, such as the hot new Powermac G3's, which were sure to attract some buyers?

Of course, there's always the chance that Apple managed to convince CompUSA that the salon stores would yield a terrific return-on-investment (and they have-- Mac sales shot up from 3% of their total, to 14%), and no further enticement was necessary. It's certainly possible; the one sure thing Apple's got going for them right now is the Jobs Reality Distortion Field.® But we think Winston's scenario is a lot more interesting. Isn't that what it's all about, after all?

And speaking of cloak-and-dagger tactics, who knows what evil lurks in the heart of Cupertino? The Knife knows, and he's telling all, albeit in his patented circuitous fashion. And the latest buzz involves the age-old question, "How far would you go to make a profit?" According to the Knife, Apple's willing to go pretty far.

You all know about the recent reorganization which pulled all but two of Claris' products back into Apple, laid off 300 workers, and transformed Claris into Filemaker, Inc. What you may not know is just how expensive those reorgs can be-- and while the Claris reorg may help Apple's profits in the long term, it threatens to dissolve any hope of a profit at the end of its second quarter, which is traditionally Apple's weakest. Yes, Apple's repeatedly told everyone from the Wall Street analysts to the guy at the Fried Dough stand on the corner that we shouldn't expect a profit in Q2, but it's plainly obvious that they're trying like hell to post one.

Enter erstwhile mortal enemy and recent buddy Microsoft, who ponied up $150 million last August as a gesture of faith in Apple's technology. According to the Knife, Apple's asking for more faith. As in, the same amount of faith, to be paid again, in hopes of smoothing out the big financial chunk that the Claris reorg will chomp out of Apple's hinder. Could this be one of the topics for the big announcement slated to happen sometime next week? And if so, what will Microsoft expect from Apple for this timely cash infusion?

And we feel it's our duty to point out a testimonial of Rhapsody Mac OS Enterprise Server's raw speed and power, as reported by a Mac OS Rumors source. It seems that this source was privy to an unofficial demonstration of MOSES' latest build, running on a prototype 300 MHz G3 server, and its performance while serving files to several Mac OS machines over standard 10 Mbps Ethernet was "remarkable."

No, it's not the "remarkable" bit that we want to point out. It's the source's quote that "this OS is going to wet a lot of pants in Redmond. If it hasn't already." That is, by far, the best quote we've yet seen regarding Apple's upcoming operating system: it's simple, concise, and effective in its mild scatalogicality. And we think it'd be a really, really good ad campaign:

"Rhapsody: Wetting Pants in '98." We can see the web badges now... But, of course, that's probably just a side-effect of the sleep deprivation. Never mind. But don't forget to vote for your favorite Rhapsody name in our current survey! The results so far are available as well.