We know what we'll be doing in a week: sleeping off the previous day's marathon consumption of about 16,000 calories' worth of foodstuffs, all of which belongs to one of two basic food groups: "carbohydrates" and "gravy." Personally, we've never understood those psychos who decide that the day after Thanksgiving is the perfect time to go early-morning Christmas shopping; "Let's see, I'm packed full of equal parts tryptophan and stuffing and can't move without groaning involuntarily. What a perfect time to wake up at 5 AM to wait in line at a mall for the privilege of jostling with other overfed, sleep-deprived, cranky consumers in hopes of getting 15% off a Hokey Pokey Elmo!" As if. We'll be splayed out somewhere hovering between hibernating and comatose, thank you very much.

Or will we? In what we consider to be the company's lowest blow since Phil Schiller went six rounds with De La Hoya before punching him in the crotch, Apple has announced its own day-after-Thanksgiving shopping event: the Apple Retail page declares that "someone you know loves music" (your suspicions have finally been confirmed: Apple is tapping your phone!) and insists that "you'll want to kick off your holiday shopping at the Apple Store." That's a bit of a stretch, we'd say, but apparently if we're able to shake off the calorie coma before closing time, we can drag our bloated forms to the nearest Apple retail store and behold "a scintillating array of gifts." Man, that is tempting; we don't think we've ever beheld a scintillating array of anything before, and frankly, that's no way to live.

What's more, Apple promises "a few surprises in store for you," which just might turn out to be a free private jet! After all, Apple has a history of giving those away, and with no further details available about the nature of said "surprises," why not hope for the best-case scenario? Then again, if you're not the schizophrenically optimistic type, the description of the surprises at MacRumors might be more your speed: Apple will reportedly be selling physical iTunes Music Store gift certificates and distributing free iTunes software CDs-- and you can get "10% off all music-related items including iPods, accessories, and software."

Okay, so it ain't a jet, but fifty smackers off the sticker price of a 40 GB iPod might be worth risking a burst stomach by going shopping before the recommended three-day post-Thanksgiving recovery period. If nothing else, that little "gift to yourself" will be something to listen to while you're waiting in the emergency room and trying to keep your insides from erupting forth from your abdominal cavity. Good times.

Suppose you do decide to brave the crowds and your own gastrointestinal discomfort to score a 10%-off iPod the day after Thanksgiving: discount notwithstanding, that's a pretty pricey hunk of deliciousness you'll have gotten yourself, there. So what are you going to do to protect it? Oh, sure, you can get it a spiffy custom case with neoprene shock absorbers, water-resistant use-thru control membranes, and a built-in mini-LoJack to aid in recovery in the case of theft-- but none of that can protect you from the heartbreak of out-of-warranty hardware failure.

Now, we know it's not the sort of subject people like to think about, but don't kid yourself-- it does happen, and you need to make darn sure than your family and loved ones are protected in the case of such a catastrophe. That's why we're pleased as punch to see that Apple has finally instituted an AppleCare Protection Plan for iPod, which fully doubles the iPod's warranty and thus grants iPod owners an extra year of that peace of mind we all crave so desperately.

But wait, AppleCare is more than just extended hardware coverage; it also stretches the iPod's included telephone support from 90 days to two years (thus ensuring that you'll always have someone to talk to when you're bored or lonely), and includes support for all included iPod accessories and iTunes. Really, can you put a price tag on that sort of loving care? No? Well, Apple could, and the price it came up with was $59.

It's nice to see that Apple's attitude toward iPod service continues to improve. You might recall that when the iPod first made the scene, it had a piddly 90-day warranty that caused something of a ruckus among the Apple fans who were actually paying attention; that was eventually extended to a year. And now, for just $59 clams more, paranoid types can rest assured that their iPods won't leave them in the lurch for a full two years from the date of purchase. (Geez, put this together with the official battery service program and it's almost like Apple cares about its customers or something.)

Florida-dwelling iPodians, however, are out of luck; the Apple Store specifies that "the AppleCare Protection Plan cannot be sold to consumers residing in Florida," and while no reason is given, AtAT sources at One Infinite Loop quote Steve as saying that "Floridians don't know how to rock." Oooh, harsh!

Speaking of occasions of thankfulness (and we were, too! Remember? Two scenes back? Never mind...), are you still flying high over Uncle Steve's promise that the G5 will hit 3 GHz by next summer? Well, you should be; after all we've been through with G4 clock speeds lagging Intel's by a factor of 2 and even 3, it's only natural to cling to an official corporate promise of a 3 GHz PowerPC in seven or eight months-- especially since Intel is still "only" in 3.2 GHz territory. Holy yikes, from a raw clock speed perspective, it's almost like we have a hope in Hades of catching up! Heavy on the "almost," though.

The completely-unsurprising-unless-you-went-off-your-meds-again reality of the situation, of course, is that Intel isn't just standing around eating homemade JELL-O Pudding Pops. According to a CNET article, the company's goal is for its upcoming "Prescott" chip (shipping any day now) to hit a full 4 GHz next year-- and at least one analyst cautions us not to "dismiss the possibility [Intel] could blow by that mark." So by the time Macs with 3 GHz processors hit the shelves, Wintels will more likely be available with a 33% higher clock speed. Boo, hiss.

It is worth noting, however, that right now Wintels are available at a clock speed 60% higher than that of the fastest Mac, and as of yet, no one's burst into flame because of it. Indeed, the only known case of Megahertz Envy-induced spontaneous combustion occurred at the height of the Motorolan lag three years ago, after Intel announced its 1.5 GHz Pentium while the G4 remained stuck at 500 MHz for its thirty-seventh year running. The way we see it (and most calculators would agree), a 33% disparity is far less offensive than a 60% one, and way less dangerous than the people-start-to-catch-fire level of 200%. In other words, the clock speed situation is improving-- which means, of course, that none of this is reason to panic, or even cause for worried harrumphing. Still, we suggest dressing sensibly, just to be on the safe side. Preferably light cottons and knits.

And then there's the oft-repeated saw that the Gigahertz Race really is less important than it seems, since clock speed is only one factor in a computer's overall performance. Oft-repeated, sure, but who expected that it'd turn out to be true? Even independent testing by Wintel-centric publications has yielded grudging admissions that Apple's dual 2.0 GHz Power Mac G5 is at least competitive with, if not measurably faster than, a dual 3.0 GHz Xeon system. (You know the G5 is fast when Apple starts quoting PC Magazine and Computerworld in its G5 marketing materials.) So with a little luck, the 3 GHz G5 vs. 4 GHz Wintel bakeoffs next year might reveal the Mac to be an even clearer winner.

That said, we have just two words for IBM (okay, two words, a number, and an abbreviation): 5 GHz by April. Pretty please?