Inadvertent Time-Travel Check! Are Hootie and the Blowfish currently dribbling inoffensive rock all over the radio, much to the bland delight of the Timberland set? Is the inexplicably-cast Val Kilmer an unwitting accomplice in turning the Batman franchise into a cinematic bad joke at the hands of Joel Schumacher? Is the far-more-entertaining-than-Batman-Forever O.J. trial finally winding down to its shocker conclusion? No? Okay, cool. We just wanted to make sure we hadn't accidentally slipped nine years into the past, what with PowerBooks once again bursting into flame and all.

Okay, fine, so nothing has actually "burst into flame" as far as we can tell, but it's a slightly more dramatic phrase than "batteries overheating." And it's the same ballpark, which is why faithful viewer Richard Tjoa tipped us off to the embarrassing fact that the specter of the combustible PowerBook 5300 has returned to haunt us all: Apple is recalling some 28,000 PowerBook G4 batteries due to a potentially dangerous overheating problem. (We say "potentially" because while Apple knows of four incidents in which G4 batteries have overheated, no one's wound up in a burn ward yet.)

Visit the page for Apple's catchingly-titled 15-inch PowerBook G4 Battery Exchange Program for the details; as its name suggests, if your 'Book is a 12- or 17-incher, you're in the clear. If you've got a titanium 15-inch model, you should be fine as well, unless perhaps you bought a new battery for it this year. It's the aluminum 15-inchers sold this year that are most likely affected, so if your 'Book fits the bill, check to see if its battery has a model number of A1045 and its serial number begins with HQ404, HQ405, HQ406, HQ407, or HQ408. If so, congratulations-- you're the oh-so-fortunate winner of a free battery, um, "upgrade"! Don't you feel lucky?

If you're a winner, simply fill out Apple's handy web form and the company will send you a less-combustible replacement battery tout de suite; when it arrives, you simply send your old battery back in the same box (once it cools down to a temperature than won't ignite the cardboard) using Apple's prepaid shipping label. No muss, no fuss. Until the replacement arrives, however, Apple strongly recommends that you stop using your existing battery-- just yoink it out of there and run your PowerBook on wall current for a while. If you need some real mobility, may we interest you in our patent-pending invention, the Really Long Extension Cord™?

Note that there's nothing wrong with your PowerBook itself, but strictly with the battery-- which was made by LG Chem Ltd., not Apple, and we're told that LG is footing the bill for this whole exchange program since it's entirely at fault. Of course, that doesn't mean Apple won't get dinged with further concerns about its quality control, whether those concerns are warranted or not. But it probably won't be too bad; we figure most people will cut them a little slack since they'll just be relieved that they didn't fall into an actual time warp back to 1995. After all, an overheating battery is nothing compared to the prospect of having to see that Get Smart series with Andy Dick again.

Yes, folks, it's time once again for rampant speculation based on recently-filed Apple trademark applications! For those of you who are new to the game, you play it like this: first, pay a little visit to the search page of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. Then click on "New User Form Search (Basic)." Specify a search for "Live" trademarks, enter "APPLE COMPUTER" as the Search Term, set the field to "Owner Name and Address," and click "Submit Query." Bickety-bam, you're looking at a heaping helping of potential product and service names that Apple would probably prefer you don't know about-- at least, not until the product launch press releases go out.

And what a bounty this time around! The Mac Observer notes that Apple recently filed applications for the trademarks iWork, ProBand, ZeroConf, Searchlight, and POD. There's enough to chew on there to keep your jaw churning well into the middle of next week. (Try to pace yourself, though-- overdo it and before too long you'll look like square-jawed Bruce Campbell.)

Let's start off with iWork, which is categorized as "computer software" of an unspecified nature. So is Apple just planning to give a new name to AppleWorks in a desperate though feeble bid to revive the slightest bit of interest in a productivity suite that's currently sitting underneath a layer of dust so thick it technically qualifies as a carpet? Could be, although you probably know that there are longstanding rumors that Apple has a new productivity suite in the works-- either a ferocious retooling of AppleWorks, or a whole new beast altogether-- which will allegedly give Microsoft Office a run for its money. (Most people think that the as-yet-unused "iWrite" trademark refers to a word processor in this alleged suite, though based on the filing details, The Mac Observer thinks it's a PDA.)

Next up: ProBand, which sure sounds like a professional equivalent of GarageBand to us. Then again, there already is a pro version of GarageBand-- or maybe two. Logic is Apple's high-end music production app, while SoundTrack is the pro equivalent of GarageBand's loop-mixing functionality. So we're not at all sure where a ProBand would fall on that continuum, although we suppose we wouldn't be too surprised if Apple builds SoundTrack into Logic and then rechristens Logic to be ProBand. We'll see.

ZeroConf? Well, our first guess would have been that Apple was gearing up to rename Rendezvous, its zero-configuration system that allows TCP/IP devices and services to find each other automagically; let's not forget that Apple was fighting a lawsuit over the use of the trademark. But then we remembered that the lawsuit was settled not that long ago-- although who knows? Maybe the settlement included a provision that Apple would change the name. As for Searchlight, well, that's just close enough to Spotlight (Tiger's search technology) that we think Apple might be considering a name change for whatever reason. But the categories listed are for computer software and hardware, so who knows?

The whole "POD" thing baffles us a bit, too; is Apple seriously considering having a Pod and an iPod in its product lineup? It's inconceivable that Apple would change the iPod name, what with the brand recognition. But as TMO notes, the description of the Pod makes it sound just like an iPod, with the possible addition of "transmitting" and "manipulating" audio. TMO's John Kheit suspects that Apple is registering "Pod" just to prevent competitors from releasing knockoffs with names like "ePod" or "oPod"; we didn't think you could actually do that, but Kheit's a lawyer, so...

Anyway, like we said, there's more than enough there to keep your brain bouncing for a while. Don't overdo it, though, and keep in mind that just because Apple has filed a trademark application doesn't mean that said trademark will ever be used, so all your brainwork may come to naught. Now go forth, children, and speculate.

And this week's Quote of the Year Award (what, it's a weekly annual-- you got a problem with that?) goes to Mr. David Spence of Unwired, an Australian ISP providing wireless broadband access in Sydney. Ready for Mr. Spence's award-winning statement? Okay, here goes:

"We think music is a good idea."

Ooooo. Here's Unwired, gamely taking on that formidable anti-music lobby. What's next, a controversial public assertion that "all babies should eat"? Jump back Loretta, 'cause these guys are out to shock us, we can tell.

Okay, sure, we took his comment entirely out of context; it just struck us as funny when we saw it in an article at Australian IT. But the real story there is that, despite Apple's deafening silence on the subject, Unwired has dropped a hint or two that the iTunes Music Store will go antipodean, and possibly sooner rather than later: Unwired's alliance with Apple "could see the two partner on a music service within a month."

Notice that the article says "a music service" and not "the music service"; that's because Mr. Spence deftly managed to avoid ever referring to the iTunes Music Store by name, but he did specify that "Apple's music download service would be available locally, and that Apple would need broadband connections to make the service work well." Frankly, we lack the imagination to figure what else he might possibly be talking about, so the iTMS it is.

Furthermore, the article notes that Unwired also "offers subscribers special deals on Apple's AirPort Express wireless hub," and a little poking around its web site reveals that the company is giving away AirPort Express units and iPod minis to randomly chosen subscribers in a current promotional drawing. However, we're not convinced that's really any further evidence, because both products are perfectly useful without the iTMS surfacing Down Under. Still, if Spence really does have inside information that an iTMS Australia launch is imminent, it makes sense that he'd be pushing iTunes-compatible gear now.

What this all implies, of course, is that it may not be too much longer before Australians have a legal use for those thousands of iPods currently employed in the heinous and illicit act of playing music copied from the owner's purchased CDs. So fret not, our Australian friends; descended from convicts you may be, but Apple will redeem you from your wicked ways... and just in time, too. Buying a CD and copying its music to a portable player without the express written consent of the copyright holder? Sheesh, you lot had better hope there isn't an afterlife, or else you're in for an eternity of fire and poking-- unless iTMS Australia shows up soon, of course.