Well, as pointed out by faithful viewer John Shere and reported by InfoWorld, the rumors about IBM came true-- at least, one of them did: Big Blue has indeed decided to bail out of the very personal computer business it pretty much established. Yes, we know that Apple ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s (how could we not? Apple reminds us at the bottom of every freakin' press release), but it was IBM that turned the PC into a mainstream business. And now suddenly IBM will no longer be making what we all used to call "IBM-compatibles," having agreed to dump that entire part of its business on China's biggest PC manufacturer, Lenovo. Weird, huh?

The rumor that didn't come true was all this stuff about IBM buying Apple-- nor will it, because as CNET reports, the contract between IBM and Lenovo explicitly contains a non-compete clause barring IBM or any of its subsidiaries from manufacturing or selling any personal computers whatsoever for a period of five years. And yes, they mean "personal computer" in the general sense, as in "any self-contained, programmable general-purpose computing device in a desktop, mobile, or tablet platform," not just Wintels. So buying Apple and selling Macs (or even just reselling Macs through an arrangement with Apple) is strictly verboten for the next half-decade; sorry, conspiracy fans. But there's an up side to this whole thing: at least now Apple's still ripe for that buyout by Disney that's been ready to go any day now for the past seven years. Just a little while longer, we can feel it!

And actually, there's another reason for Apple fans to hoot and holler: as faithful viewer baronreeftold noticed in a chart posted by BBC News, both IBM and Lenovo are currently bigger PC sellers than Apple. So with IBM transferring all of its sales to Lenovo and then exiting the market, that means that Apple will automatically be bumped up a notch in the ratings, from lowly tenth place into the far cozier and single-digit ninth. Woo-hoo! Say it with us, folks: "WE'RE NUMBER NINE! WE'RE NUMBER NINE!" Or, more accurately, "WE'LL BE NUMBER NINE FOLLOWING THE COMPLETION OF THE DEAL PENDING APPROVAL BY LENOVO'S SHAREHOLDERS AND REGULATORY AGENCIES PROVIDED THAT ANOTHER MANUFACTURER FROM ELEVENTH PLACE OR LOWER DOESN'T MANAGE TO OVERTAKE US IN THAT TIME FRAME!" (Ooh, catchy.)

Not enough to make up for the loss of your prized "IBM buys Apple" scenario? Well, don't lose hope just yet, because there's still a way to salvage that inspired bit of lunacy by grafting it onto another favorite crackpot conspiracy theory. See, while the Lenovo contract prevents IBM from selling PCs, it does allow the company to sell high-end servers and "compact mobile devices." IBM's already got the high-end server market covered with its own remaining product line-up, and if it still wants to buy Apple, there's a simple way to do so and still comply with the Lenovo contract: just ditch the Mac platform entirely, keep everyone's favorite "compact mobile device," and turn Apple into an iPod-only business. After all, plenty of undermedicated conspiracy theorists think that's the direction that Apple's headed already, so why the heck not? So go on-- dim the lights, put on some soft music, meld those two theories together, and have yourself a nice little paranoiac freak-out. It's fun for the whole family!

Okay, so if Apple can't count on getting vaulted into a prime position in the enterprise market through an IBM buyout, it'll just have to go it alone, right? Well, as it turns out, that might not be all that lousy a fate. Sure, it's been well over a year since Apple got serious about big business sales and created an actual enterprise division and everything, and the company still doesn't have a whole lot to show for it, but c'mon, these things take time-- especially in an economy in which corporate IT spending is probably still in the proverbial toilet. But the Xserve is slowly but surely catching on; as faithful viewer frozen tundra noted a couple of weeks ago, IT-Enquirer reported that Gartner Dataquest described Apple's Xserve sales as "having above-average growth" in the second quarter and year-over-year growth of a pleasingly plump 119 percent in the third. No, it's not a Mac in every cubicle, but it's a foot in the door.

And it just gets better. You may have heard a couple of days ago that, as CNET reports, Oracle (an enterprise market player if ever there was one) issued a white paper "endorsing the Xserve RAID as part of an initiative to cut storage costs." The company is apparently planning to use 50 to 100 terabytes' worth of Xserve RAIDs in place of "pricier Fibre Channel-based disk arrays" because they cost "about three times lower" per megabyte and "performance is excellent." (Here's hoping the savings aren't just because Steve Jobs cut a great deal for Oracle CEO, former Apple board member, and bestest buddy Larry Ellison.) Given how much of the world's big business relies on Oracle databases, the company's endorsement is likely to give Apple some much-needed street cred among IT buyers looking for cheap, fast database storage.

But that's not all; Oracle is also planning to release a Mac OS X version of its 10g software "sometime before the end of the year" (so, within about three weeks), which will be another feather in Apple's enterprise cap. Meanwhile, for businesses who need cheap, fast storage for files other than monstrous databases, Apple itself still claims to be on schedule to ship its own storage area network software, dubbed Xsan, "later this fall" (in other words, within about two weeks). Whereas Xserve RAIDs reportedly cost three times lower than Fibre Channel RAIDs, at $999 per server, Xsan costs "about a third of that of rival SAN technology." At least a few budget-conscious IT directors must surely be taking notice of the ridiculous cost savings that Apple is offering.

Toss all that together with Think Secret's report of an official Xsan certification program for resellers and January speed bumps of Xserves to at least 2.3 GHz (like the custom units comprising the new and improved System X) or even as high as 2.5 GHz, and hey, there's plenty of good news for Apple's enterprise prospects, even without a looming IBM buyout in the cards. And when enough IT folks take advantage of the Xserve/Xsan cost savings that Apple's dangling in front of them like a carrot on a stick, there may well be a "halo effect" as they realize just how good and interoperable Apple's products are, leading to increased purchases of desktop Macs for the cubicle jockeys. Xserve: it's the iPod of the enterprise world! At least, we certainly hope it will be.

Just a quickie from the Weird File, here, folks; truth be told, there isn't all that much drama-wise going on at the moment, so this seems like a decent time to clue you in to the latest unsolicited celebrity iPod endorsement that came to our attention. You know the drill by now: the iPod commands such slavering devotion from those it's drawn into its clutches that every once in a while you'll catch someone famous on a talk show or something just spontaneously going on and on about how amazing the iPod is, how it changes one's total perspective on the universe, how the very thought of life without an iPod is enough to drive one to plunge shrimp forks into both eyes, etc. When it happens, it's a nice testament to the sheer grooviness of Apple's tuneful wonder and a healthy dose of free advertising, to boot.

But the latest celeb to gush about his iPod may strike you as somewhat atypical; whereas we're used to hearing iPod raves from the likes of, say, Shaquille O'Neal, faithful viewer Gabriel Fishman informs us that an interview in this past week's New York Times Magazine includes some choice iPod comments from Ol' No-Eyebrows himself, retiring Representative (and veteran of many a Democratic presidential primary) Dick Gephardt of Missouri.

Yes, Dick Gephardt. Wanna make something of it?

Seriously, it's cool; the squeaky-clean Gephardt (how did this guy ever think he could be elected president without even a hint of scandal in his past?) says this about his new iPod: "Oh, I love it. It's the best thing that ever happened to me." Praise doesn't come much higher than that. So what's he listening to? "I like Josh Groban. I like Tony Bennett." Okay, fair enough-- the guy's 63, after all. But then he tosses a curve: "I like Nelly. He's from St. Louis. He's a very good rapper. I like Eminem. I have his album... I don't listen to the lyrics. I just like the music. I like the beat."

Quick, someone paint this guy black and stick him in a silhouette ad! We're thinking he can bust some serious moves.

Oh, sure, you think we're being sarcastic, but we'll back the mad dancefloor skillz of Gephardt any day over those of, say, Raven-Symone. You know her-- she was that overcute wee tot "Olivia" from the latter years of The Cosby Show, and now she's a 19-years-old-this-Friday actress/recording artist with her own show on the Disney Channel and three CDs under her belt. But does she have enough funk to face up to the Gephardt groove thang? Not even. Because as faithful viewer My Best Friend Brad pointed out a while back, in a Fox News interview from a month and a half back, Raven-Symone admits that she doesn't have an iPod. That's right, people, she's less cool than Dick Gephardt. Ooooh, that's gotta hurt.