Speaking of Microsoft, forgive the extended-play rant, but we think we've finally put our finger on why that particular company bothers us so freakin' much. It's not the rampant mediocrity of its products. It's not the fact that everybody uses them in spite of said mediocrity. It's not even that the company engages in sleazy and illegal practices in order to promote the further use of all those mediocre products. In our minds, Microsoft's unforgivable crime is the way in which it thinks we're all a pack of mouth-breathing troglodytes with more dollars than sense, just waiting to be bilked out of our cash. C'mon, think about it; so many of Microsoft's marketing initiatives clearly reveal an utter contempt for the buying public and a disturbingly low opinion of our collective intelligence.

If you watch any network TV, you've seen at least one example of this over the past couple of days. There's a new Microsoft commercial in heavy network rotation, and it's quite different from the ones we're all used to seeing. This one features a besweatered Bill Gates, speaking directly to us not about Windows 2000, or Internet Explorer, or any particular product. Instead he's rattling on about touchy-feely junk like how Microsoft started with "nothing but an idea," how they worked to "harness the power of the PC" to "improve people's lives," and how their current goal is to "keep innovating" because "best is yet to come." Bro-ther. Is this fooling anybody? Isn't anyone else incredibly insulted by this transparent and obvious grab for public sympathy? Microsoft lost in the courts (largely in part due to the same arrogance the company displays when it pulls stunts like this), and now they trot out the world's richest man in a humble sweater to croak out platitudes in his Kermitesque voice about how Microsoft's just out to help mankind move forward. The unstated message, of course, is that the Big Bad Government is trying to stop them from doing their incredibly charitable and worthwhile work. Yeesh.

And if you're on the same junk mail lists that we're on, you saw another example this week: a brochure titled "Confessions: The Secret Lives of Mac Users and Microsoft Products." Yes, this piece of dross is targeted at people just like us: Mac users who don't like Microsoft. So what do they do? They quote "three self-described Mac fanatics" who "anonymously endorse using Microsoft Office and Internet Explorer... Their names have been changed to protect them from jealous friends, naysaying roommates, and other Mac users who have yet to realize that it really is okay to use Microsoft products." So now we're supposed to believe that Microsoft is the underdog, right?

It gets better. The first Mac fanatic offers a ringing endorsement for Office 98: "Hello, what else would I use?" In other words, it's the only choice, so give up and buy it, already. Way to endear themselves with Microsoft-haters. The second guy uses Word 98 so he can create "files that other people can actually access and read." Okay, so everyone else on the planet's been brainwashed into using Word, so now we Mac users should, too, or else no one's going to be able to use our files. Yeah, we're seeing the light, now. This brochure is really winning us over.

But the last is by far the best: "I've been a Mac user since the beginning. When I caught my son using Internet Explorer 5, I accused him of abandoning the faith..." Folks, we got this brochure on Wednesday afternoon. It arrived via the same presorted standard U.S. postage that lots of junk mail uses. It's a full-color glossy brochure with fancy layout and snazzy graphics. IE5 came out nine days before this pack of lies showed up in our mailbox. There's no way on Gates's green earth that some guy caught his son using the Mac version of IE5 and told Microsoft about it in time for this brochure to be created, printed, and sent via presorted mail. Again, how stupid can they possibly think we are? If you dig through the fine print, you find a nice little disclaimer that says, "The Mac fanatics portrayed in this brochure are entirely fictitious." Well, duh.

This is no different from those full-page ads Microsoft took out in major newspapers featuring "letters to the editor" in support of the company during its antitrust woes, which were in fact written entirely by Microsoft's own marketing department. And in a sense it's no different from when the company figured the government and Judge Jackson were too stupid to notice in court that its videotaped lab tests were faked. Over and over again, our collective intelligence is insulted by this company that thinks the rest of the world can be bilked by these tactics. And then we look at the market share numbers, and we become aware of the sad truth that Microsoft is probably correct...