Okay, we've had a full day to digest this whole fracas with Phil Schiller publicly denying any development of an Apple handheld computer, and the suspicion centers of our brains are starting to click into gear. Given all of the talk we've been hearing for so long, given all of the hints dropped by even Uncle Steve himself, is it really likely that Phil's bald statement that "there's nothing going on" regarding Apple's development of a handheld is an accurate portrayal of the situation? Consider, too, that while Steve hated the Newton because it was Sculley's baby, he obviously isn't pathologically averse to handhelds in general-- he admitted trying to buy Palm, and rumor has it that he tried to buy Handspring too. So with that in mind, we can't help but think there's more to the story of Phil's exasperated denial than its face value.

Now, for a highly-ranked marketing suit, Phil is remarkably guileless-- or, at least, he seems to be. Some would say he's got that "I'm far too cuddly to lie" vibe about him; others might replace the word "cuddly" with "simple," or even "dumb." The tricky bit is trying to determine whether that vibe is genuine, or all part of the act. If it's genuine, then we still consider it possible that Steve knew Phil would crack under the pressure, and intentionally kept him in the dark about Apple's top secret handheld development, figuring that sooner or later he'd spill the beans to the press. If the vibe is just a highly-effective front, then we figure Steve told Phil to put on his clueless face and go tell the press that there's no handheld in the works. (Steve couldn't pull it off himself, because people know him far too well; there are some things even a Reality Distortion Field can't smooth away.) Either way, the rumors get squelched, the rumormongers turn their attention to other things, and all the while Apple's lab gnomes tinker merrily away on some translucent PDA with full Palm compatibility, integrated Newton handwriting recognition, AirPort functionality, a built-in corkscrew, the requisite tweezers and toothpick, and a Columbus anti-gravity unit thrown in for good measure.

In the final analysis, what really pushes our conspiracy buttons is the way in which Phil-- not some nameless, faceless, junior "spokesperson," but Phil Schiller himself-- blatantly disregarded Apple's official policy of never commenting on rumors or unannounced products. This wasn't a rookie mistake; it's either a public relations blunder of fairly sizeable proportions, or a diabolical plan to draw attention away from Apple's real efforts. Frankly, at this point we're equally inclined to believe either scenario, but the latter is lots more fun, isn't it?