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It's All About The Maki Rolls (12/8/00)
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There's been a lot of speculation and analysis about just what went wrong to derail Apple's success story. Some people primarily blame the Cube for being overpriced and lacking a clear target market. Others focus on Apple's stubborn refusal to ship Macs with CD-RW drives. Still others think the company's decline is due mostly to the ever-widening "megahertz gap." Well, we're here to settle the issue once and for all, because recently we've come across some additional evidence which clearly reveals the real cause of Apple's decline: a lack of good sushi.
See, faithful viewer Ryan Ritchey was poking around Apple's job listings looking for a position in the company's PR department, but much to his surprise, when searching on the string "public relations," he turned up a listing for a Sushi Chef. Yes indeedy, Apple's searching for the perfect chef who can "deliver a high quality dining experience to all Apple employees." There's no indication of how long the position's been open, but we'd bet our universal remote control that the job's been vacant since shortly before Apple's September earnings warning. See? It all falls into place: Apple's woes are a direct result of the Great Sushi Famine of 2000 and the resulting nosedive in employee morale.
So if you're an insanely great sushi chef willing to exercise your art in the Santa Clara Valley for the good of Apple Computer and the Macintosh platform as a whole, then get out there and feed those employees. You should have at least "three years prior experience as a sushi chef in [an] upscale restaurant." You'll need "patience" and "tact" (presumably to offset Steve's own lack of same), as well as a healthy dose of "self-motivation and confidence." And you'll have to be able to lift 50 pounds. Do you have what it takes to rescue the Mac?
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SceneLink (2731)
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And Now For A Word From Our Sponsors |
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 | | The above scene was taken from the 12/8/00 episode: December 8, 2000: Steve holds court with his Apple minions to apologize for the impending quarterly loss, but the Juiciness Quotient of the leaked information is distressingly low. Meanwhile, Apple tries anything and everything to clear the channel of excess inventory by the end of the year, and a search through the company's job listings reveals the real cause of Apple's recent decline...
Other scenes from that episode: 2729: Someone LEAKED This Stuff? (12/8/00) Not all traditions are warm and fuzzy, but at least the painful ones hold the potential for high drama. In recent months it's become customary (sad as that may be) for Steve Jobs to assemble his minions and "talk things out" following an earnings warning or a disappointing quarter... 2730: Anything For The Sale (12/8/00) Apple's massive push to reduce channel inventory continues, as the clock runs down and the end of the calendar year approaches like a runaway freight train. When last we heard, the company had about eleven weeks' worth of gear out there, and clearing the channel for 2001 is a Herculean task; whether or not you buy Steve's "global economic slowdown" theory, there's no denying that consumers just aren't up for buying personal computers this holiday season...
Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast... | |  |
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