It's here it's here it's HERE! Or, more accurately, it's there: at 3:07 this morning, faithful viewer Ellen Fan tipped us off to the fact that the world's first and only Ellen Feiss interview is now available online at the Brown Daily Herald site, and it's so chock full of mind-blowing info about our heroine that we're this close from needing to be hospitalized for observation.

First of all, let's get this bit out of the way straight off: while it never mattered one whit to us what chemicals might be waltzing their way through Ms. Feiss's bloodstream during the ad shoot, for some reason it seems to be a matter of vital importance to a great many people, so we're gratified to see that Brown didn't balk at addressing the whole "stoner" issue. And we're especially pleased to note that Ellen's own explanation for her red eyes and spacey demeanor (Benadryl and seasonal allergies) was actually darn close to what we had heard from unnamed sources associated with the making of the commercial (cough syrup and a head cold). Our inner contrarians are always pleased to see an unpopular alternate theory be proved (almost) correct. Anyway, now that we've gotten an explanation straight from the sophomore's mouth, will everybody just drop the stoner references, already? (We're guessing "no.")

For us, the real juice is all about the current nature of celebrity. What, you thought that Ellen's newfound stardom for appearing in a thirty-second ad that was rarely shown on TV would be limited to occasionally getting recognized down at the mall? Not quite, buddy. Get this: she has an agent, who is currently "floating her image." Jay Leno and David Letterman both tried to book her for their shows. Some guy at MTV is working on a pilot simply because "he liked the ad" and thought Ellen was a "cute kid." The Farrelly Brothers called her and wanted to put her in a movie, until they found out she was only fifteen.

Clearly this has all gotten way out of hand, but if Ellen wants to use her cult following as a springboard into a show biz career, more power to her. Our own personal suggestion as a vehicle for her fame? Hey, Joss Whedon-- we hear Sarah Michelle Gellar may not be returning for an eighth season of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Well, Ellen's exactly the right age for the Slayer to be called. So make her the Chosen One, already, assuming that vamp dust doesn't aggravate seasonal allergies.

Other points of note:

• Ellen was given an iPod for making the commercial, so we've now got yet another way to score a free iPod to add to the list: get featured in a Switch ad.

• And how exactly does one get featured in one of those commercials? Apparently it's all about whom you know; Ellen is friends with fellow Switcher Hamilton Morris-- who is himself the son of the ads' director, Errol Morris. (Oh, don't look so shocked. And don't even ask us what we've heard about Liza Richardson.)

• The paper which was devoured by her dad's PC was about Chinatown. But probably not the movie.

• She calls the Dell dude a doofus. If there's any justice at all in this world, that alone should land her a three-picture contract with Universal Studios.

The only question remaining is, will Ellen manage to cement her celebrity status before the world transfers its unhealthy obsession to Janie Porche? An anonymous faithful viewer already pointed out the "Stalking Janie Porche" page. Psssst, Janie! Play your cards right and we bet you can land a guest spot on "Birds of Prey"!