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Hey, do us a favor, willya? We're gearing up for the Online Soap Opera Union Local 654th's annual talent show, and the competition's looking pretty fierce this year-- we hear that the team from "Days of Our Lemurs" is going to be juggling live stoats while yodeling. That means we need to really wow the judges if we're going to have even the slightest chance of winning; we need as much preparation as we can get, so we'd like your opinion of the Microsoft impression we've been working on. Ready? Ahem...
"Hey, look at us, we're a massive software monopoly that actually had the gall to try to settle about $12.5 billion worth of private antitrust lawsuits by offering to give free software away to public schools. In other words, we figured a judge would find it perfectly fair that we could atone for our wanton abuses of monopoly power by extending our monopoly into one of the few markets we hadn't yet completely assimilated, at little to no out-of-pocket cost to us. Unfortunately, said judge wasn't buying it, but it's been a little over a year since we gave that a shot, so we're trying to pull the exact same stunt again-- because we think everybody on the planet that isn't actually us is dumber than a juggled stoat. In fact, we're sure of it; 95% of the population uses Windows, right?
"Oh, and our CEO looks and acts like a shaved ape with a glandular condition and our richest-guy-in-the-world chairman of the board evidently gets his hair cut for free at the local beauty school for the blind."
Whaddaya think? Pretty convincing, right? We mean the impression, of course, and not the whole "let's extend our monopoly to atone for our sins" argument, since that spiel is clearly about as convincing as Keanu Reeves in the role of a physicist who manages to outpace a nuclear blast on his motorcycle. For those of you who don't remember that whole proposed "soak the schools with Windows" settlement, the most important bits to keep in mind are that 1) Microsoft is shameless, shameless, shameless; and 2) Apple was so aghast at the possibility that Redmond might actually get away with something like that, Steve Jobs actually spoke out publicly against it. In the end, it turned out that Judge Motz had more than the requisite six brain cells necessary to see through Microsoft's scam, and he duly killed the deal.
But like we said, after waiting a year (because surely no one can remember anything for that long!), Microsoft is trying the same tack again-- and Apple is once against fighting it. According to the Wall Street Journal, Microsoft's latest spin on the game is to pay $1.1 billion in vouchers (valued at $5 to $29 apiece) to consumers who were affected by Microsoft price-fixing. These vouchers could then be used "to buy computer hardware or software that aren't necessarily made by Microsoft." So far, so good, right? Well, yeah-- except that the value of any unused vouchers gets split: one-third goes right back to Microsoft, and two-thirds go "to California public schools serving low-income students," and fully half of those donated funds must be used to purchase Microsoft products. In other words, another third goes right back to Microsoft indirectly, plus the company gets to boost its market share in the public school system.
So, in what's becoming a tradition of sorts, Apple once again issued a public statement noting that this settlement proposal is tantamount to punishing a convicted arsonist by buying him a sundae and requiring that, from now on, he only set fire to schools. Well, okay, maybe Apple didn't say it in exactly those words; it was more along the lines of how the judge "should not allow [Microsoft] to unfairly compete in education, one of the few remaining markets where they don't have monopoly power." Same diff, though. Here's hoping the judge once again has at least six functioning neurons upstairs. Now pardon us, we have a lot of rehearsal to get through if we're going to have a chance at that First Place cup and the gift certificate for Bennigan's...
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