Much as we hate to be the bearers of bad news, folks, we feel we have a responsibility to report this: it's Monday again. We know, we know, it always arrives way too soon, and you have no idea how you're supposed to be productive (well, okay, look productive) after having spent two solid days engaging in activities of a decidedly incapacitating nature. Well, fear not, because we're here to talk you through it, and if we've learned anything from our own years of post-weekend resuscitation, there's nothing that gets your heart beating again after forty-eight hours of sloth and excess like a good old-fashioned dose of sheer, unbridled panic. Which is why we suggest you take a gander at a San Jose Mercury News article which indicates that Apple's Switch campaign was a dismal failure and the company's market share is still just circling the drain at a piddling 2.3%. IT'S THE END!! THE END, WE TELL YOU!!!

Not shocking enough to jolt you out of your weekend hibernatorial state? Then consider this: while the Switch campaign evidently failed to budge Apple's market share more than a tenth of a point or so, Dell's own slice of the pie got 20% fatter-- from 15% to 18%. Which implies that testimony from actual former Windows users who found the Mac to be a far more elegant and trouble-free way to work and play is hopelessly ineffective next to the unadulterated marketing dynamite of some two-bit cheese-eating Eddie Haskell who acts like he took a bat to the skull and a team of alleged interns apparently culled from the Institute for the Terminally Brick-Stupid. Who knew?

This all suggests that if Apple really wants to double its share within the next five years, what it really needs to sell more Macs is a lovable mascot-- preferably one that's stoned and/or mentally deficient, because all available evidence indicates that people are most comfortable taking computer-buying advice from the cranially incapacitated. Now the only problem is finding the right mascot. With her truly frightening cult following, Ellen Feiss might have been the ideal choice at one point-- but now we fear her fifteen minutes are over, and worse yet, we hear rumors that she's in rehab trying to kick a three-bottle-a-day Benadryl habit, after which she'll probably be far too lucid and intelligent-sounding to sell computers. So who, then?

Hi there.

Yes, that's right, folks, your friendly neighborhood AtAT staff is prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice for the good of our beloved platform. Generally speaking, we value our brain cells and tend to avoid activities that might endanger what few we possess, but we're willing to take a hit for the team. We may seem reasonably sentient and well-spoken, but trust us: with enough low-grade smack and some sharp blows to the head, we can probably say "dude" in an utterly convincing manner. Plus we're all cute and cuddly and stuff. So come on, Apple-- whaddaya say?