Mac-loving mallwalkers of Minneapolis must be mildly miffed-- mostly at that completely unnecessary display of excessive alliteration, but also because their local Apple retail store at the Mall of America is closed from today through November 10th, as originally reported by MacMinute last Friday. Closed why, you ask? Well, Apple claims that it's for "remodeling," which had us a little worried for a second, because in Retailspeak, "remodeling" translates as "intensive de-ratting, significant reduction of the Hanta virus, and exorcism of angry poltergeists on whose sacred graves the store is constructed." However, we have it on good authority that Apple's speaking a lesser-known dialect, and that its "remodeling" translates as "replacement of all Depleted Uranium bathroom fixtures and, well, remodeling."

Now, the extent of the remodeling is known only to the bigwiggiest of the bigwigs at One Infinite Loop, but five weeks of downtime certainly implies something a little more drastic than new squishy black sphere-things in the Kids section. Indeed, rumors are a-flyin' that Apple is planning to expand the store-- possibly upwards, making it a two-story affair like some of its brethren. Personally, we have no idea if this is true or not, and we're actually not all that interested in finding out. We're far too starry-eyed over the list of planned changes we received from Unimpeachable AtAT Sources™ last night. Feast your eyes on this, Martha:

• A new Pumpkin and Lime color scheme that disorients customers into a spending mood

• Retractable disco balls and automatic fog machines that activate whenever a customer says the day's Secret Word O' Funk

• Batpoles that lead straight to the batcave for when the red Mac Genius hotline starts flashing

• Every surface-- every surface-- is upholstered in a thick, luscious shag

• An expanded theater with a Floyd laser light show that's so trippy it makes the iTunes Visuals look like the stock ticker on CNBC

• Three words: doilies, doilies, doilies

Meanwhile, the Apple Store Tysons Corner is also going to be spending five weeks in remodeling limbo, starting one week from today, so Virginians should plan their retail jaunts accordingly-- and prepare themselves for a grand reopening showcasing the finest interior decoration that ingesting loads and loads of psychotropic drugs could inspire. Now where'd we put our Groove Thang?...