But enough baseless speculation about potential upcoming Macs. Come on, people, don't you ever feel a little silly engaging in that sort of behavior? What good does it do anyone in the long run? Responsible citizens are spending their time trying to cure cancer and end world hunger, while you're sitting around trying to predict how long it'll take Apple to squeeze a G5 into a PowerBook. It's shameful, isn't it? Seriously, folks, it's time to but such childish endeavors behind us so we can instead move on to far loftier pursuits.

You know, like the dishing of unsubstantiated dirt. It makes the world go 'round.

So didja hear the scuttlebutt about Apple maybe not playing fair with its own retail employees? This is a slight departure from the norm ("Norm!!"), which is, of course, widespread reports that Apple isn't playing fair with its resellers and retail partners. You've all heard that spiel umpteen times: Apple promises not to ship short-supply merchandise to its own retail stores first (and then does it anyway); Apple promises not to turn the Apple stores into service centers that would compete with Apple Specialists (and then does that, too); Apple revises reseller contracts to include all sort of nasty conditions (and says sign it or buh-bye); you know the drill. Indeed, you've probably heard this particular drill so often you could pick it out of a Black & Decker line-up by sound alone.

But AppleInsider reports that Apple is breaking promises to its very own employees in its very own retail stores, and, well, that's news to us. The story goes a little something like this: Apple reportedly promised $1000 sales bonuses to any of its retail sales reps who could meet or exceed the company's set and stated goals for sales of Macs or iPods over the last holiday shopping season. Sales clerks' eyes turned into big green dollar signs, their tongues popped out with a "ka-ching!" sound, and they proceeded to sell their little hearts out-- not an easy task, since customers are generally put off by salespeople with dollar signs for eyes and tongues ladling drool onto the hardwood. But when several employees succeeded in hitting Apple's sales goals, they discovered that their bonuses didn't quite come out to a full grand: one employee "sold $500,000 worth of product in a single quarter and got a $500 bonus."

Now, that's not necessarily slimy; Apple may have overestimated the funds it'd have available for the bonuses, which is bad, granted, but probably not evil. This is the part that came straight out of the Evil Corporate Behavior Handbook, 2003 Edition: one former Apple employee claims that his store beat both the Mac and iPod sales goals over the holiday season, and then he showed up over six minutes late for a shift in January. He was required to sign a disclipinary form acknowledging the infraction, and didn't think much of the fact that the form was dated 12/31/2003 despite the fact that New Year's Day had come and gone. Well, apparently he didn't get his bonus; he was told he was ineligible because of that disciplinary form, which was oh-so-conveniently predated with the last day of the holiday quarter. Boo, hiss.

Mind you, as far as we're concerned, these are still just unsubstantiated reports, but if they are true... well, yikes. Gee, Senior Veep o' Retail Ron Johnson doesn't look like he sacrifices puppies to the Dark Lords of Beyond...