|
5 Lawsuits, Lots O' Waiting (2/10/04)
|
 
|
| | |
As you all know, we here at the AtAT compound are dedicated to ensuring that you get 100% of your daily recommended allowance of Apple-flavored hysteria each and every day. Well, at some point of the day-- assuming it's not a weekend or a holiday or we get distracted by a shiny thing or something really good's on TV or we just don't feel like doing anything at the moment. That, faithful viewers, is our unbeatable commitment to quality.
Okay, so let's monitor our progress in today's episode by going over the checklist for a well-balanced breakfast, dramatically speaking. Reckless speculation about unannounced Apple products? Check. Unsubstantiated dirt on alleged nasty Apple doings without even a token attempt to confirm the facts or contact the company for its side of the story? Check. So what's left? What one crucial element still remains absent from today's episode, but is absolutely vital to the completion of the eternal Holy Trinity of Apple Drama?
You guessed it: lawsuits! And we've got a whole bushel of 'em!
Remember when everybody went all nutso and frothing over alleged problems with iPod battery life? Remember when class action lawyers started sniffing around for more easy money? Well, faithful viewer Steve Klein notes that, as reported by Reuters, Apple's newly-filed 10-Q form reveals that the company currently faces no fewer than five, count 'em, five class action suits, all filed in December and all alleging that Apple "misrepresented the battery life of its iPod digital music player" to a degree constituting "false advertising," "fraudulent concealment," "breach of warranty," and (somehow) "unfair competition." Meanwhile, AtAT's iPods, both over two years old, have batteries that are holding up just fine-- darn the luck. We really could have used a $5 coupon off a $99 Apple Store purchase when the suits finally get resolved three years from Easter.
Right now the plaintiffs are trying to get the five separate suits, each mighty in its own way, consolidated into one single ultra-powerful Voltron lawsuit which will be able to extract cash and concessions from Apple in a more efficient fashion. We look forward to plot fodder (and recommended daily lawsuity goodness) these suits will surely provide on occasion for years to come. And hey, look at you! Now you're all drama'd up and ready to rock!
Oh, wait-- we forgot all about the fourth prong in the essential makeup of any decent AtAT episode: violence! Um... well, tell you what, just go check out this Fox News article that faithful viewer Rob Hulson sent our way; it describes a 20 GB MP3 player "modeled on the AK-47's ammunition clip," for the ever-growing market of people who bought an assault rifle specifically to house a portable digital music player. But come up with your own taunts involving Jon Ive's critical lack of foresight in failing to design the iPod to be fitted into common assault weaponry-- Animaniacs is on.
| |
| |
 |
SceneLink (4501)
|  |
 |
|
And Now For A Word From Our Sponsors |
| | | |
|
| |
|
 | | The above scene was taken from the 2/10/04 episode: February 10, 2004: Apple makes Macs-- at least, the historians assure us that it does; so where are those new Power Macs and displays and whatnot? Meanwhile, shadows whisper of gross impropriety in Apple's relationship with its own retail store employees, even as the company faces no fewer than five class action lawsuits based on chintzy iPod battery life...
Other scenes from that episode: 4499: It's A Scene About Nothing (2/10/04) Gather 'round, children, and your grizzled and ancient AtAT staff will regale you with tales of Olden Times. (Just as soon as we find our teeth.) Believe it or not, way back at the dawn of human civilization, dieters counted calories instead of carbs, Ashton Kutcher dated women only slightly older than him, and Apple used to make a computer called the Macintosh... 4500: Evil Comes Home To Roost (2/10/04) But enough baseless speculation about potential upcoming Macs. Come on, people, don't you ever feel a little silly engaging in that sort of behavior? What good does it do anyone in the long run? Responsible citizens are spending their time trying to cure cancer and end world hunger, while you're sitting around trying to predict how long it'll take Apple to squeeze a G5 into a PowerBook...
Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast... | |  |
|
|
