Today we'd like to talk to you briefly about a grand tradition in the history of entertainment-- a tradition that has brought joy and laughter to countless people who would otherwise suffer a mirthless existence of unceasing hardship and toil from cradle to grave. We speak, of course, of history's proud succession of funny cats. Garfield. Heathcliff. The Pink Panther. Sylvester. Felix. Top Cat. Tom. Scratchy. Bucky Katt. The Cat in the Hat. All those Kliban cats. Everyone's favorite, the kitten in a banana. And many others far too numerous to name; the list just stretches on and on.

So is it any wonder that the vaguely demonic-lookin', headphone-sportin' feline known as Napster is now doing its best to make us all giggle? Faithful viewer bo notes that Napster just announced on Monday that it had sold 5 million songs since it went live last October, and here's the hi-freakin'-larious part: the company claims to be proud of that fact! Get it?! We're tellin' ya, that cat is a hoot and a half!

Yes, the company managed to keep a straight face when it called itself "Number One in Music Downloads for PC-Only Stores," as if that's a) difficult ("Look, we beat BuyMusic.com! Oooooo!") and b) a real category. "PC-only stores"? As if people choose to buy their tunes from PC-only services so as not to catch Mac cooties, or something; could this possibly be anything other than an artificial differentiator from the iTunes Music Store so that Napster can claim the title "Number One" instead of "A Distant and Truly Sad Number Two"? Sheesh, the company may as well just call itself "Number One in Music Downloads for Stores Not Run by a Company Whose Name Rhymes with 'Bapple.'"

Meanwhile, the boast of 5 million songs sold is clearly an attempt at ironic humor, because it pales in comparison to the iTMS's initial performance. As you all know, the iTMS went live on April 28th, and exactly eight weeks later on June 23rd, it reported that it had sold over 5 million songs. That's 5 million songs in 56 days. Napster, on the other hand, went live on October 29th, and reported surpassing five million songs sold on February 23rd; by our count, that means it took Napster 117 days to sell the same number of songs as Apple did. That's more than twice as long, despite the fact that Apple was selling exclusively to Mac users-- a market probably an order of magnitude smaller than the Wintel jockeys Napster's targeting.

Moreover, if you drag out the calculator and press a few buttons, you'll find that Napster's sales rate has barely budged an inch since the service relaunched in October. The company reported that it had sold "more than 300,000 songs" after its first week, which breaks down to an average of 42,857 a day (give or take). Now, subtract out those 300,000 songs from the new 5 million total and subtract the first seven days from Napster's 117 days in business, and you'll find that since the end of its first week, it sold 4.7 million songs in 110 days-- or 42,727 a day. That qualifies Napster's growth curve as this week's prestigious "Flatter Than Kansas" Award! Congratulations all around.

Hey, to celebrate, maybe Napster will tell us again how having "the world's most recognized brand in online music" guarantees that it'll come out on top eventually. That one just gets funnier every time we hear it!