While we were pretty darn out of touch for the past couple of months (How out of touch? Well, let's put it this way: isn't it nice to know that Mail's nifty unread messages counter in its Dock icon works just fine on four-digit numbers? Don't count on swift replies, kiddies), even we knew about the rumors that Apple would be launching a downloadable music service yesterday. Anyone who's quested for the holy grail of reasonably-priced digital music downloads in open and unrestricted formats over the years knows full well that this seemingly simple goal has been thwarted time and time again by one insurmountable obstacle-- to wit, the fact that the recording industry has its head so far up its collective, er, wallet that all it can see are ATM receipts from the Reagan administration and the condom it's kept in there since the 9th grade.

Enter Apple, then, as the only company capable of shepherding the stubborn recording industry boldly into the mid-to-late-nineties. iTunes 4, released yesterday, boasts a number of snazzy new features, such as support for the AAC audio format, Rendezvous-based network tunes sharing, and-- perhaps most impressively-- a new green icon. But second only to the lush and verdant new hue gracing the application's icon is the iTunes Music Store, a slick searchable catalog of some 200,000 major-label songs all available for immediate purchase and download for a very reasonable 99 cents apiece. Finally, the glorious day has arrived: we can buy and download fully-licensed high-quality digital songs by Debbie Gibson and Dokken. Kinda makes you cry, doesn't it?

Now, even with a 200,000 song catalog, it's perhaps worth noting that the iTunes Music Store still presents the AtAT staff with the musical equivalent of the "500 cable channels and nothing's on" syndrome. No Blue's Clues or Sesame Street, precious little Beatles, and forget about indie rock entirely. Still, we really wanted to give this new service a whirl, so after an hour of fiddling with browse mode and those handy thirty-second previews, we finally hit upon a song we actually wanted to purchase. Drama? Conflict? You betcher sweet bippy there was drama and conflict. In our case, at least, trying to buy music via iTunes was a baffling ordeal the likes of which we imagine we might experience if Franz Kafka wound up working the check-out counter at Tower Records. Without further ado, the AtAT Players proudly present the following anthropomorphized exchange between our own beloved Jack and the iTunes Music Store:

iTunes Music Store: So you'd like to buy Lone Justice's live cover of "Sweet Jane," huh? Alrighty, then; please enter your Apple ID and password.

Jack: Okee-doke, here ya go, chief.

iTMS: Whoops, sorry-- this Apple ID has not been used with the iTunes Music Store. Please review your account information before you buy any music from me. (Don't worry, it's a one-time thing.)

Jack: Um, sure, okay.

iTMS: All the info looks correct?

Jack: Yup, looks good.

iTMS: Wow, you're really an Aquarius? I had you pegged for a Capricorn.

Jack: I'm on the cusp. Anyway, all the info's correct, so can I buy the song now?

iTMS: Whoa, hold your horses, there, buddy-- the email address you entered is already being used for an Apple Account.

Jack: I... I know, it's my Apple Account. I'm not trying to create a new ID, I'm here to verify the info in my existing account before buying music from you for the first time, remember?

iTMS: Oh, right. Well, if the account is yours, you can cancel and Sign In using that Apple Account.

Jack: But... But I just... oh, all right. (Sigh) Cancel. Sign In. Enter my Apple ID...

iTMS: Whoops, sorry-- this Apple ID has not been used with the iTunes Music Store. Please review your account information before you buy any music from me. (Don't worry, it's a one-time thing.)

[Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]

Jack: [Leaving room] Gee, I wonder what's on TV... Hey! A "Square Pegs" marathon!

Thank you, thank you, you're too kind. Incidentally, we noticed that Apple claims that the "iTunes Music Store includes several innovative features to help safeguard you against accidental duplicate purchases." Frankly, we're impressed; what better way to prevent you from accidentally buying a song twice than to stop you from buying it even once?

Of course, if it's a bug and not a feature, here's hoping it gets fixed soon; we can hardly wait to purchase our very own copy of "Don't Worry, Be Happy."