Folks, we need to clear up a little misconception, here: apparently Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer is, in fact, capable of a form of communication that technically qualifies as "speech"-- and we're not talking about a Koko-style sign language deal, either. Seriously, the guy can emit actual words and complete sentences and everything! We know that if your only exposure to the guy has been grainy video files showing him jumping around while hooting like a mad ape or squeakily repeating the word "developers" as if it's some sort of mantra that might stop the secretion of sweat, this may come as some sort of shock; it certainly knocked us for a loop. But we stumbled across an honest-to-goodness interview with the guy at CNET, which claims that he "talked," and they've got the transcripts to prove it.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

So now that we're aware that Ballmer can talk, what does he have to say? Well, basically his message is "everything's fine"; he sounds remarkably relaxed about what CNET calls his company's "long list of serious concerns," but really, why shouldn't he? Microsoft can pay off that $600ish million European antitrust fine with the change it finds in the couch, Linux is realistically years away from being a serious threat, and having a monopoly means never having to say you're sorry that the next version of Windows won't ship until 2006 at the earliest. All in all, Ballmer describes himself as "super-optimistic" about the future-- and since you've seen the man's "super-optimism" at work, now might be a good time to back away slowly or run screaming for the hills or something.

There aren't very many surprises in the content. CNET asks what limits should be imposed on what Microsoft can lump into Windows; Ballmer replies, "I do not think there should be limits." When asked if he had to do it all over again, he says, "I would still integrate a browser. We would still integrate the Media Player." (Why not? It's not like they ever suffered any consequences.) There's the obligatory "huh?" moment when he insists that "there has never been a platform more open than [Windows]" because it has the most applications and the best hardware support; apparently his vocabulary still needs a smidge more work, because he thinks "open" is an adjective describing "the thing everyone wound up basically forced to use to survive." And, of course, there's all sorts of remorse for past actions: "Is it okay that Netscape is out of business? I think so. Apparently."

Regardless, the interview's worth a gander, because discovering that the man is literate-- heck, occasionally even bordering on eloquent-- will blow your mind. Especially if you go back and watch those videos again. It's like finding out your goldfish solves differential equations or something when you're not looking. Freaky.