The Sequel's Always Worse (8/20/01)

Just when you thought it was safe to relaunch your browser... TERROR STRIKES ANEW! Okay, so you survived the Steve Ballmer "Monkeyboy" clip with only a minor stroke, a chronic gastrointestinal condition, and permanent emotional scars. That does indeed prove that you're made of some pretty tough stuff. But if you think you're out of the woods and ready for a nice, long convalescence in the local psych ward, think again: horror movies always have sequels. And they're usually really, really bad.

There's no doubt that the first Ballmervision movie was a breakout success in the grand tradition of "The Blair Witch Project": both films enjoyed a viral success, both had ridiculously low production values, and both were short, cinéma vérité-style portrayals of less-than-brilliant people running around like total idiots. But whereas "Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2" was an utter flop (perhaps in part because it lacked a Book of Shadows), the followup to the "Monkeyboy" clip is, if anything, more profoundly disturbing than the original. Whereas the original "Ballmervision" video portrayed Microsoft's CEO jumping around and shrieking like a rabid howler monkey (thus subjecting the viewer to raw, primal terror), "Ballmervision 2: Electric Boogaloo" goes for a more psychologically nauseating brand of fear.

Be warned; viewers with weak constitutions should avoid this video at all costs-- footage of a fat, bald white guy sweating profusely whilst chanting the word "developers" in a squeaky voice and clapping his hands and stamping his feet may not sound scary (okay, maybe it does), but trust us: this is an image that crawls under your skin and stays there, festering and corrupting your every thought. Don't say we didn't warn you. We'd thank faithful viewer Ryan Redekopp for bringing this clip to our attention, but frankly, he's ruined our lives forever.

So what's next? Well, given the progression, we can only assume that "Ballmervision 3" will be making the rounds sometime next week, and it'll probably feature something even more disturbing. We're thinking maybe Ballmer clad in nothing but an adult diaper, smearing peanut butter on his pasty, exposed flesh and barking like a dog-- all to the melodious strains of Sisqo's "Thong Song." Expect the worldwide suicide rate to spike dramatically when it happens.

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The above scene was taken from the 8/20/01 episode:

August 20, 2001: It's officially official: Apple's Seybold keynote will be handled by Phil Schiller, with Steve Jobs making a "special appearance" live via satellite. Meanwhile, Apple started shipping dual-processor Quicksilver Power Macs today (though people were receiving them last week), and remember Steve Ballmer and his "Monkeyboy" video? Well, he's BAAAA-aaack...

Other scenes from that episode:

  • 3251: Steve: "Magic Bus" Tour '01 (8/20/01)   Ah, we know those symptoms well: the profuse sweating, the manic look in the eyes, the irrepressible shrieking and the compulsive need to jump around like a mad ape on speed... you're either suffering from Acute Steve Withdrawal, or you're Steve Ballmer...

  • 3252: Flux Capacitor Power Macs (8/20/01)   Hey, you! Yeah, you. Are you a) obscenely rich, and b) one of those people that always has to rush out and buy the latest and greatest Macs because you weren't hugged enough as a child? Well, then, have we got news for you!...

Or view the entire episode as originally broadcast...

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