More bad news, people: for those of us not blessed to be attending the Stevenote in person, we're definitely going to have to suffer the pain of ignorance for a lot longer than you might have originally planned. Apple has confirmed via PRNewswire that there'll be no live webcast of the event, but there will be an after-the-fact video-on-demand stream for curious fans who don't mind getting their dose of Steve via a seemingly excessive tape delay. The keynote starts at 9 AM PST, and Apple says that the webcast won't go up until 6 PM. Maybe it's just us, but shouldn't encoding a couple of hours' worth of footage take rather less than seven or eight hours to accomplish? (Must be all that CGI post-processing they need to turn Steve's walking, talking likeness into a convincing 3D model of Gollum.)

But no worries, because ever since the first no-webcast whispers hit your ear, you just figured you'd make do with one of the several Apple sites like MacMinute or MacRumors that traditionally provides near-real-time text-based updates during the Stevenote, right? Well, we're sorry to break the news to you, folks, but it sounds like Plan B just crashed and burned, too; according to faithful viewer Daniel Blanken, an AppleInsider forum post claims that "the press is now required to agree to NOT post anything until the show is over." What the--? For whatever reason, Steve is apparently trying to turn the keynote hall into a Cone of Silence or something.

So why the bizarre insistence on extra secrecy this time around? After all, what's the difference to Apple whether a reporter in attendance publicly posts the flashPod specs as they're announced, or forty minutes later when Steve walks off the stage? The only thing we can think of is that Apple's planned announcements include some stuff either so messed up or so contrary to the well-known rumors that the company knows they'll incite Apple fans to riot-- think "no flashPod," or "cheapMac at $649 instead of $499," or "historic merger with Gateway"-- and Steve wants enough time to get to safety before the news reaches critical mass and rampaging mobs of furious Apple fans get their lynchin' mojo workin'. Between the QuickTime delay and the "no live updates" stipulation for the press, Steve ought to have just enough time to get back to his secret underground bunker and seal himself inside before people come looking to put his head on a stick.

That's not to say, of course, that plenty of media wonks won't still post live running updates all the way through the keynote, since the odds of getting caught in the act during the show are pretty slim. Besides, what could happen if they get nabbed? If the news is so catastrophic that Steve feels he needs a head start back to his lair before the locals start taking potshots at him, there might not be any future Macworld Expos from which to get banned. And a reputation as a rebel not fond of rules can only help in the Mad Max-like post-apocalyptic futureworld we'll all be inhabiting once the Great Stevenote After-Riots finally tear civilization up by its roots and revert the land to savagery and mayhem. Why, it's win-win!