Heads up, youse guys-- Apple's playing schedule hockey again. No, we don't really know what that means, but what we meant it to mean is that the rumored PowerBook and iBook updates that we've all been expecting this Tuesday may not be coming on Tuesday after all. We've gotten a couple of extremely dodgy reports that the new portables will show up today, instead, but we're putting far more faith in the latest report over at Think Secret, which claims that Apple has shifted the release forward to Wednesday. So, uh, just in case you were planning to throw a party or something, you may want to reschedule.

There are numerous theories as to why Apple decided to wait an extra day before crying havoc and letting loose the 'Books of war; the most prominent is related somewhat to unconfirmed reports of a bellow emanating from Steve Jobs's office on Friday to the effect of "What $@%#ing @#%$% scheduled a @#$%#ing election on our product release day?!" (Steve is well-known for his unearthly talent of pronouncing words composed primarily of non-alphanumeric ASCII characters. It's a gift.) It therefore doesn't seem entirely unlikely that Apple hopes to avoid massive press apathy as new Apple portables might be, inexplicably, upstaged by a bunch of people in suits who are spending obscene amounts of money to persuade citizens of voting age that it's the other guy who's going to raise taxes.

There's also the possibility that Steve decided that the imminent product update (which, again according to Think Secret, is a relatively minor tweak, at least on the iBook front-- 100 more MHz of processor power, albeit with a very attractive $200 price drop) won't be enough to appease rabid Mac fans waiting for something rather more spectacular. As such, he may have decided it unwise to unveil potentially underwhelming new products on a date traditionally associated with burning people in effigy. We imagine he finds enough flaming dummies on his lawn from the Fitts's Law Enforcement Society without inviting the "I need a portable with a SuperDrive or I'm setting fire to something RIGHT NOW" posse to the party as well.

Of course, our own personal theory for the alleged move is that Steve was less than pleased with seeing his original November 5th announcement date plastered all over every rumors site like some sort of rash and simply changed it out of spite. Of course, if that's true, then the November 6th date is in jeopardy, too. Anybody for the 7th?

Another weekend, another Apple retail store or three. If you're down with the happening happenings, you already knew that Apple was launching three new locations over the weekend: Southdale in Edina, Minnesota; Keystone in Indianapolis; and Fashion Show in fabulous Las Vegas (where faithful viewer ManiACal Mike showed up to the party in tremendous style). If you made it to any of those opening gala events, we can only hope you're not too hung over this Monday morning to make a respectable contribution to the workforce. (You've got responsibilities, buster, so suck it up.)

Actually, on second thought, if you have to drag your ass around the office for a couple more days while you recuperate, that's okay-- the important thing is that you get back into tip-top shape for next weekend's celebrations. The last thing we want is bedraggled, overworked office drones showing up to the new stores at Menlo Park in Edison, NJ or the King of Prussia mall in Pennsylvania-- both of which are slated for grand openings on this coming Saturday the 9th, according to Apple's retail page. King of Prussia, in particular, is going to need some well-rested attendees, because it's the long-awaited first Apple boutique in Pennsylvania, and therefore the partying come Saturday is likely to take on epic proportions. Drink a lot of fluids and bring a designated driver.

And whatever you do, don't inflict any damage on yourself that'll take more than a week to wear off, because there are undoubtedly going to be more opening shindigs on the 16th. Remember, during its earnings conference call last month, Apple said it wanted to open ten more stores by Thanksgiving, and by our (possibly ridiculously inaccurate) count, there are still four more to go after the two coming up on Saturday. We assume those four will form a subset of the five locations listed as "Coming Soon" on the retail page-- and since faithful viewer Sheik Yerbouti informs us that the Knox Street store in the Dallas area is still at the "construction workers and bare girders" stage, we'd have to guess that the Emeryville, Pasadena, Oak Brook, and Denver stores are next up to party down. So stay limber.

Alas, this is the way the show ends-- not with a bang, not a whimper, but something even less compelling: a settlement. "Redmond Justice" fans, who originally came to the show years ago because it offered a fiery mix of courtroom drama and political intrigue so volatile it could strip the paint off a '64 Chevy Malibu, are understandably nonplussed. For our money, we consider it the weakest series finale since The X-Files limped off into the sunset, and that's really saying something; we really didn't think anyone could ever come up with an ending more disappointing than "Aliens are coming in 2012, oh no!" But geez, at least "The Truth" had Cigarette Smoking Man turning into a crispy critter. What did the settlement have to offer drama fans, short of the giggle factor of hearing Microsoft refer to the deal as "tough but fair"?

So, unless those nine holdout states choose to appeal the judge's decision (which, at this point, would be less an act of beating a dead horse than one of embalming said horse, getting it fixed up all pretty for an open horse casket, and then hitting it with eight or nine Tomahawk missiles), this here is the fat lady singing. Faithful viewer chollyhead pointed out a Reuters article which delivers the anticlimax: Microsoft basically gets away with, if not murder, then at least "moider."

For having committed multiple acts of extreme naughtiness for which the company has shown absolutely zero remorse, Microsoft now has to (shudder) allow PC manufacturers to "hide some Microsoft icons on the Windows desktop." But wait, there's more! Microsoft must also sell Windows under a "standard license" so as not to strong-arm any manufacturers who might not cooperate completely with the Microsoft World Domination Plan, and indeed the company is "prohibited from retaliating" against manufacturers who choose non-Microsoft products. Oooooo. That'll be particularly effective since, as faithful viewer Kevin Burk points out, the "corporate compliance committee" responsible for ensuring that Microsoft plays fair for the next five years apparently consists entirely of Microsoft board members. ('Strue-- an Associated Press story backs that up.) As Professor Shane Greenstein of Northwestern University puts it, "The lesson everyone learned here is just stay out of Microsoft's way." Well put-- and that's clearly the lesson that antitrust law is meant to teach, right?

The good news, of course, is that with the feds off its back, Microsoft is finally free to innovate-- and innovate it will, as evidenced by the company's latest incredible release of Microsoft Movie Maker. Faithful viewer Chris Osborn notes that the product now supports FireWire! Thank heaven Judge Kollar-Kotelly didn't choose to stifle the Redmond Think Tank, because really, without Microsoft, who would ever have come up with such a thing?