So just where the holy heck have we been, you loudly demand? Alas, 'tis a tale far too long, too epic, too bursting with entertainment value to be wedged into the confines of this sorry ol' soap. Besides, if we told you the unexpurgated truth about our adventures lo these past eleven weeks, you'd laugh, you'd cry, you'd finally know what it is to taste the divine... and we're not licensed by the FCC to dish out Cosmic Oneness and Inner Peace. (We can, however, tell you that the divine tastes a little like chicken.) Nevertheless, we'll give you the short version to chew on: pesky lemurs. 'Nuff said, right?

We'd also like to take a moment to dispel a few of the rumors we've seen swirling around as to the nature of our sudden unexplained disappearance. No, none of the AtAT staff has been afflicted with SARS, flesh-eating bacteria, or fatal nose warts. No, we're not mounting a silent protest against the cancellation of Firefly. No, Steve Jobs is not blackmailing us into silence; we've already come clean about that unfortunate misunderstanding with the bottle of Jack Daniels and the duck wearing a tutu, so he's no longer got anything on us. And lastly, we did not-- repeat, DID NOT-- sell out to Microsoft. Uh-uh. No way, no how.

Because, frankly, what Bill was offering was tantamount to a slap in the face. What does he mean, we're not qualified to sit on the board of directors?

So are we back in the saddle? Not by a long shot. Things are just as stupid busy as ever, time continues to pass at an ever-accelerating rate (curse you, Einstein! EIIIINNNSTEEEIIIIINNN!!!!), money keeps dwindling so resources occasionally need to be spent on actual paying gigs (incidentally, did anyone see Jack's April Fool's article in this month's MacAddict? Just curious), and those pesky lemurs will be back as soon as they figure out that the "AtAT staff members" they've got cornered in the tool shed are actually clever decoys crafted of mashed potatoes, wire clothes hangers, and ACE bandages. Still, you can expect sporadic broadcasts for now, and we're doing our best to eke out a daily routine that actually allows for both AtAT production and at least four hours of sleep a night. Dare to dream.

Okay, okay, fine, we admit it: we were really just seeing how long we'd need to be off the air before Rockwood finally did another comic about us. So if you've spent the past eleven weeks gnawing off your own limbs in withdrawal, go blame those guys.

Okay, here we go, people: all of you who own the original 5 GB iPod like ourselves can officially give in to New Model Envy. Up 'til now, we've been pretty successful at keeping that malady at bay; after all, the upgrades to the product line thus far haven't been all that spectacular. Sure, there was a model with four times the storage capacity of our beloved trailblazing first editions, but heck, it cost $100 more than we paid for ours, and 5 GB is pretty beefy, right? And yeah, the touchpad scroll wheel is kind of keen, but we were actually pretty successful in rationalizing that we prefer the tactile experience of the act of spinning the moving-parts model. Better earbuds and a remote? Available for purchase separately, and they work just fine on the original iPod. Contacts? Calendars? Again, available for the original iPod via a simple software update. And sure, some of us have found that our ten-hour batteries now last about as long as the average Pepsi commercial, but the recent 1.2.6 update fixed that for most people. After applying it six or eight times.

But now... NOW things have gotten sketchier. These next-generation iPods just rolled out yesterday are a whole new breed. They're thinner and lighter, for one thing; not that the original iPods are boat anchors, or anything, but still. The controls have been redesigned completely, and now the scroll wheel and the buttons are touch-based, which means no more worries about lint gumming up the works. The top two models come with a docking station. Plus they now top out at 30 GB, which is almost obscene if you think about it. (Windows folks also get USB 2.0 connectivity via an add-on cable, but that of course means nothing to us.) Oh, and did we mention that the buttons are (choke) backlit?

Then there's the software side of Sears. Tired of Breakout? The new iPods also come with some game called "Parachute" and a very intriguing implementation of Solitaire. No more stuffing text notes into Contact records; the new iPods allow you to transfer text notes into, well, Notes. There's an alarm clock function for those of you who need a little extra kick out of bed in the morning. Now you can customize the main menu by sticking all your most-used functions right there. And most importantly, the new iPods allow you to create "On-the-Go" playlists-- on the iPod itself. Yes, you can finally queue up a mess o' songs without needing access to iTunes and a FireWire port to do it.

But here's the kicker. If you're expecting the just-released iPod Software 1.3 update to add any of these new software features to your "classic" 'Pod, let the dream die; we just installed it and we get zip, zilch, nada (well, aside from AAC support and allegedly better battery life). And that's why we're officially mired in the bog of New Model Envy; we don't care much about the alarm clock, the games, or the contacts/calendars/notes stuff, seeing as we're already carrying around Handspring Treos that handle all that stuff about a zillion times better. (We heartily recommend the Treo, and not just because our Handspring stock is currently trading at roughly 7% of what we paid for it.) No, it's the redesigned hardware plus the shoulda-always-been-there "On-the-Go" playlists feature that have us drooling. Hmmm... eBay, anyone?

While we were pretty darn out of touch for the past couple of months (How out of touch? Well, let's put it this way: isn't it nice to know that Mail's nifty unread messages counter in its Dock icon works just fine on four-digit numbers? Don't count on swift replies, kiddies), even we knew about the rumors that Apple would be launching a downloadable music service yesterday. Anyone who's quested for the holy grail of reasonably-priced digital music downloads in open and unrestricted formats over the years knows full well that this seemingly simple goal has been thwarted time and time again by one insurmountable obstacle-- to wit, the fact that the recording industry has its head so far up its collective, er, wallet that all it can see are ATM receipts from the Reagan administration and the condom it's kept in there since the 9th grade.

Enter Apple, then, as the only company capable of shepherding the stubborn recording industry boldly into the mid-to-late-nineties. iTunes 4, released yesterday, boasts a number of snazzy new features, such as support for the AAC audio format, Rendezvous-based network tunes sharing, and-- perhaps most impressively-- a new green icon. But second only to the lush and verdant new hue gracing the application's icon is the iTunes Music Store, a slick searchable catalog of some 200,000 major-label songs all available for immediate purchase and download for a very reasonable 99 cents apiece. Finally, the glorious day has arrived: we can buy and download fully-licensed high-quality digital songs by Debbie Gibson and Dokken. Kinda makes you cry, doesn't it?

Now, even with a 200,000 song catalog, it's perhaps worth noting that the iTunes Music Store still presents the AtAT staff with the musical equivalent of the "500 cable channels and nothing's on" syndrome. No Blue's Clues or Sesame Street, precious little Beatles, and forget about indie rock entirely. Still, we really wanted to give this new service a whirl, so after an hour of fiddling with browse mode and those handy thirty-second previews, we finally hit upon a song we actually wanted to purchase. Drama? Conflict? You betcher sweet bippy there was drama and conflict. In our case, at least, trying to buy music via iTunes was a baffling ordeal the likes of which we imagine we might experience if Franz Kafka wound up working the check-out counter at Tower Records. Without further ado, the AtAT Players proudly present the following anthropomorphized exchange between our own beloved Jack and the iTunes Music Store:

iTunes Music Store: So you'd like to buy Lone Justice's live cover of "Sweet Jane," huh? Alrighty, then; please enter your Apple ID and password.

Jack: Okee-doke, here ya go, chief.

iTMS: Whoops, sorry-- this Apple ID has not been used with the iTunes Music Store. Please review your account information before you buy any music from me. (Don't worry, it's a one-time thing.)

Jack: Um, sure, okay.

iTMS: All the info looks correct?

Jack: Yup, looks good.

iTMS: Wow, you're really an Aquarius? I had you pegged for a Capricorn.

Jack: I'm on the cusp. Anyway, all the info's correct, so can I buy the song now?

iTMS: Whoa, hold your horses, there, buddy-- the email address you entered is already being used for an Apple Account.

Jack: I... I know, it's my Apple Account. I'm not trying to create a new ID, I'm here to verify the info in my existing account before buying music from you for the first time, remember?

iTMS: Oh, right. Well, if the account is yours, you can cancel and Sign In using that Apple Account.

Jack: But... But I just... oh, all right. (Sigh) Cancel. Sign In. Enter my Apple ID...

iTMS: Whoops, sorry-- this Apple ID has not been used with the iTunes Music Store. Please review your account information before you buy any music from me. (Don't worry, it's a one-time thing.)

[Lather. Rinse. Repeat.]

Jack: [Leaving room] Gee, I wonder what's on TV... Hey! A "Square Pegs" marathon!

Thank you, thank you, you're too kind. Incidentally, we noticed that Apple claims that the "iTunes Music Store includes several innovative features to help safeguard you against accidental duplicate purchases." Frankly, we're impressed; what better way to prevent you from accidentally buying a song twice than to stop you from buying it even once?

Of course, if it's a bug and not a feature, here's hoping it gets fixed soon; we can hardly wait to purchase our very own copy of "Don't Worry, Be Happy."