Much as we hate to be the bearers of bad news, folks, we feel we have a responsibility to report this: it's Monday again. We know, we know, it always arrives way too soon, and you have no idea how you're supposed to be productive (well, okay, look productive) after having spent two solid days engaging in activities of a decidedly incapacitating nature. Well, fear not, because we're here to talk you through it, and if we've learned anything from our own years of post-weekend resuscitation, there's nothing that gets your heart beating again after forty-eight hours of sloth and excess like a good old-fashioned dose of sheer, unbridled panic. Which is why we suggest you take a gander at a San Jose Mercury News article which indicates that Apple's Switch campaign was a dismal failure and the company's market share is still just circling the drain at a piddling 2.3%. IT'S THE END!! THE END, WE TELL YOU!!!

Not shocking enough to jolt you out of your weekend hibernatorial state? Then consider this: while the Switch campaign evidently failed to budge Apple's market share more than a tenth of a point or so, Dell's own slice of the pie got 20% fatter-- from 15% to 18%. Which implies that testimony from actual former Windows users who found the Mac to be a far more elegant and trouble-free way to work and play is hopelessly ineffective next to the unadulterated marketing dynamite of some two-bit cheese-eating Eddie Haskell who acts like he took a bat to the skull and a team of alleged interns apparently culled from the Institute for the Terminally Brick-Stupid. Who knew?

This all suggests that if Apple really wants to double its share within the next five years, what it really needs to sell more Macs is a lovable mascot-- preferably one that's stoned and/or mentally deficient, because all available evidence indicates that people are most comfortable taking computer-buying advice from the cranially incapacitated. Now the only problem is finding the right mascot. With her truly frightening cult following, Ellen Feiss might have been the ideal choice at one point-- but now we fear her fifteen minutes are over, and worse yet, we hear rumors that she's in rehab trying to kick a three-bottle-a-day Benadryl habit, after which she'll probably be far too lucid and intelligent-sounding to sell computers. So who, then?

Hi there.

Yes, that's right, folks, your friendly neighborhood AtAT staff is prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice for the good of our beloved platform. Generally speaking, we value our brain cells and tend to avoid activities that might endanger what few we possess, but we're willing to take a hit for the team. We may seem reasonably sentient and well-spoken, but trust us: with enough low-grade smack and some sharp blows to the head, we can probably say "dude" in an utterly convincing manner. Plus we're all cute and cuddly and stuff. So come on, Apple-- whaddaya say?

Okay, so the iTunes Music Store had 200,000 songs from the five major labels available on Day One, which covered a pretty broad spectrum of taste, at least as far as the "average listener" goes. And now they're starting to get songs from indie labels (the exclusive Dashboard Confessional track we mentioned last week is the first we know of), which ought to broaden the selection still more, to accommodate those of us who like our stuff a little further out in left field. So what's next? Well, we can't be completely sure, but it sounds to us like the next logical step is to add music that's really obscure-- songs that maybe six people on the planet have ever heard. And why not? Handled properly, the iTMS could be much more than another way to buy the same old music you can pick up at the mall; we could well be witnessing the democratization of the music industry in action. After all, just because music is obscure doesn't mean it isn't great.

Here's what we're on about: last week both Oasis CD Manufacturing and CD Baby announced programs whereby a musician-- any musician-- can fork over a little extra cash and get his or her music submitted for inclusion in the iTMS. Now, we're not entirely sure what that means, since Apple obviously isn't going to offer every single submitted song for sale ("...or are they? Mmmmwaahahahahaaaaa!"), but at the same time we're sure this isn't a scam; CD Baby was invited to, and was present at, that big ol' indie label shindig that Apple threw last month when it was eager to sign up some lesser-known artists, and indeed, it was CD Baby who posted all those juicy details about the offer before Apple reminded them about a little thing called a nondisclosure agreement.

Again, we don't know exactly what this implies, but it sounds to us like Apple is explicitly opening the door for anybody with a CD to be considered for iTMS stardom. And we do mean stardom; now that, according to Slate, Billboard is tracking digital downloads, all bets are off. A couple of weeks ago, Cyndi Lauper cracked the digital Top Ten-- with a song released in 1984. Last week, the number one song only sold 1500 copies. So, what happens if that only-six-people-heard-it song cobbled together on a four-track in the musician's apartment bedroom turns out to be good enough, in Apple's opinion, to wind up on the iTMS? And then what if the six people who've heard it start telling their friends? What if one of them has a web site that gets 10,000 hits a day and posts a link? It's not inconceivable that said obscure bedroom-produced song could wind up selling 1800 songs in one week, knocking Beyoncé and Jay-Z out of the top spot and making Millard Plotznik of Southdale, Minnesota a number one recording star. Without so much as the "right look," the "right moves," the "right hair," or even a recording contract.

Again, we want to stress that this is entirely our interpretation of what the new "digital distribution" deals seem to be implying, and it could just as well be 90% wishful thinking. It's not completely out of the question, though, is it? At last check, Oasis and CD Baby were teaming up to implement a combined program for submission of artist tracks to the iTMS and other, lesser digital download services, so if you're a budding musician, maybe it's time to dust off the accordion and scrape together a little cash; producing your own short-run CD only costs a coupla grand, and who knows? Maybe you'll be the one to show those major-label stars who's boss.

Hey, do you ever feel sorry for The Woz? After all, it's sort of a natural reaction; here's the other Steve, the other cofounder of Apple, and indeed, the guy who built the frickin' computer in the first place, right? And while Jobs is back in the saddle and riding the company they started to freaky new levels of insanely great technology and boundless innovation, Woz is largely out of that particular infinite loop. Oh, sure, he joined the board of directors of Danger, Inc. last year, and even emerged from his mild-mannered "fifth grade teacher" secret identity long enough to start up Wheels of Zeus, so he's not exactly sitting around eating Pringles and watching that Saved by the Bell kid on Pet Star... but neither is he in on Captain Jobs's grand scheme for world domination.

Or is he? The New York Times reports that the W.o.Z. of Wheels of Zeus is finally ready to talk about his top secret project: technology to "keep track of stuff," as he himself puts it. Apparently inspired by several lost dogs, Woz and his team of seventeen employees have slapped together a nifty little wafer that fits nicely on a collar (or a child-- or, we suppose, a child's collar) and allows the wearer to be tracked as he/she/it roams the earth. The tags are cheap, convenient, and versatile; they will reportedly "be able to generate alerts, notifying the owner by phone or email message when a child arrives at school, a dog leaves the yard, or a car leaves the parking lot." In other words, yes, people, Woz has invented the Spider-Tracer. (By the way, this is first time we've encountered the phrase "wayward bichon frisé," but with any luck, it won't be the last.)

Just a harmless little product to keep tabs on the household pets, right? Oh, you poor naïve fools. Can't you see how this technology can be used to track the movements of every living soul on the face of the planet? Why, we wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that Jobs himself commissioned this project and plans to have the wafers surgically implanted in the skull bases of everyone on earth once Phase III of his world takeover plans come to fruition in 2007. And thus will Jobs become Big Brother-- and you can bet he's smart enough to make sure he'll have rounded up all the hammer-tossin' blonde chicks by then, too. On the plus side, if you ever get lost on your way to the Re-education Center, you can be sure that the black helicopters will find you tout de suite.