When we issued yesterday's warning about carnivorous iBooks attacking unsuspecting users, little did we suspect just how widespread the outbreak had already become. Reports came pouring in from all over the globe from people who had suffered near-misses or witnessed full-scale attacks by Apple's seemingly friendly-looking consumer laptops. Faithful viewer Samantha Lynn, for example, discusses her personal close call: "It's not just heads that they seek. A display model at Micro Center nearly bit my hand off! I can only assume that that's why the local CompUSAs here keep them trussed up in Hannibal-Lecter-style steel cages so you can't even try to close the lids." Indeed, that also explains the pillory-like black wooden "display cases" that our local Sears uses to restrain its display iBooks. Anti-theft devices? Yeah, right-- anti-mayhem devices is more like it.

Now, accounts of attacks from iBooks that aren't playing out their terrible existences as abused display models are few and far between-- but don't get too comfortable, because it has been known to happen. As for what triggers such a violent response from an otherwise happy-go-lucky laptop, faithful viewer PTmon offered the following perspective: "I've heard that installing Virtual PC with any flavor of Windows can cause this weird behavior. Funny, it doesn't seem to happen with VPC Linux. Coincidence? I think not." Sage advice from the field, people; installing Windows on an iBook is like poking a starving tiger with a stick. Don't taunt the iBook. C'mon, we're sure you can relate... if you're a Mac person forced to use Windows at work, you're probably biting people's heads off by the end of the day, too.

What really surprised us, though, was the way that some viewers apparently thought this whole "attacking iBook" thing is just a big joke. Well, to those uncautious souls, we can only pass on this sobering image, forwarded to us by faithful viewer Dan Deering. To quote the caption posted by the terrified individuals at Diversified Computers, "all of the ones in our store today hunted down and attacked the sales manager!" The poor victim is pictured with both legs and one arm being gnawed off by Blueberry and Tangerine models, while two of the more bloodthirsty Graphite units are chewing angrily on his chest and head. Not for the squeamish. A joke, indeed... Try laughing with your face wedged between an LCD display and a translucent keyboard, buddy.

Wuh-oh, looks like MicroAge is in for it now. We told you yesterday that Pinacor's parent company had filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, but honestly we didn't think too much would necessarily come of it. Filing for Chapter 11 is as American as mom, apple pie, and claiming your goldfish as dependents on your taxes. (Don't worry, we won't tell anyone.) Everyone does it sooner or later, and it doesn't necessarily mean that the company's going out of business. In the short term, it means that most Apple dealers are probably going to steer clear from buying Macs from Pinacor and opt to patronize Tech Data or Ingram Micro instead. In the long term, if MicroAge gets its house in order, everything might just turn out okay.

At least, that's what we thought until we saw MacNN's latest update on the situation. As it turns out, MicroAge owes a sizeable chunk of change to our very own Apple Computer-- $9.1 million, give or take a buck or two. While you might think a multibillion-dollar company like Apple considers that chump change, you couldn't be more wrong. Remember, this is Apple we're talking about-- the company that fought its way back from the brink of death after hemorrhaging a billion dollars in a single calendar year. The lean years won't soon be forgotten. Sure, nine million's a drop in the bucket now, but it's the principle of the matter at stake; Apple didn't struggle back from almost certain financial collapse just to forgive unpaid debts. There's a reputation to protect, after all.

Which is why we're more than a little concerned for MicroAge's health. Not its financial health-- that's obviously shot to hell. No, what we're worried about is MicroAge's physical health, because we imagine that Apple's probably dispatching its collection department right about now. And the last time we heard from our nigh-unimpeachable sources, Apple's collection department consists of three rather large individuals all named "Guido" with a penchant for swinging large pieces of wood at fragile human joints. You think Apple won't put the hurt on MicroAge for a measly nine mil? You're sadly mistaken, my friend. Our advice to all of youse with "Three Pizzas" consumer loans? Keep making those payments. On time.

For all of you who find it galling that Bill Gates is the world's richest man, well, heck, you're not alone. C'mon, the guy's got the personal charisma of a turnip dipped in Dull Sauce. Even the true geeks of the world (and in case you're wondering, our hands are up) are more than a little chagrined that this besweatered dweeb croaking about "innovation" in his Kermit-meets-Marvin-the-Martian voice has enough money to buy the rest of the planet six times over, but he still won't shell out twenty bucks for a decent haircut. It's just offensive to anyone with a reasonable sense of universal karmic justice and the merest hint of a sense of personal style.

But let us ask you this: would Larry Ellison stealing the title of "World's Richest Man" be a step forward, or backward? Faithful viewer Stephen White passed on the shocking news in the form of a Wired article; apparently with Microsoft's recent stock slide and Oracle's Wall Street success, Larry "I'm Steve Jobs's Best Friend, So Nyahh Nyahh Nyahh" Ellison is just a smidgen away from taking the top spot. (Okay, so that "smidgen" is $4.6 billion-- with the way the stock market works, that is indeed a smidgen to these guys.) Never mind the fact that it might be neat for Apple to boast that one of its board members is the richest man in the world; what about your personal gut reaction to the idea that the only man who can amass more personal wealth than the utter dweeb pictured here (thanks, faithful viewer Mike McDonald) is a raving egomaniac with a penchant for racing yachts and landing his private jet on top of orphanages at 3AM?

See, in the words of Elizabeth Farrarini, a woman who claims to have had a "personal relationship" (wink wink) with Larry, "his attitude is, 'I'll do what I want to do, and I don't give a s**t about you. I can buy anything and do anything-- I can s**t on the floor and hire someone to clean it up.'" Now, aside from the fact that the man apparently speaks in asterisks (and what self-respecting billionaire does that, we ask you?), we can't help finding ourselves yearning for the halcyon days when the most we could despise about the world's richest man was the way he ruthlessly crushed his competition illegally and acted like it was his right. And the fact that he talks like a muppet. If we had a choice and we had to choose between Gates and Ellison, well, let's just say that this contest smacks more than a little of the American two-party presidential race. "Don't blame us; we voted for Steve!"