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Night Of The iBooks (4/18/00)
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When we issued yesterday's warning about carnivorous iBooks attacking unsuspecting users, little did we suspect just how widespread the outbreak had already become. Reports came pouring in from all over the globe from people who had suffered near-misses or witnessed full-scale attacks by Apple's seemingly friendly-looking consumer laptops. Faithful viewer Samantha Lynn, for example, discusses her personal close call: "It's not just heads that they seek. A display model at Micro Center nearly bit my hand off! I can only assume that that's why the local CompUSAs here keep them trussed up in Hannibal-Lecter-style steel cages so you can't even try to close the lids." Indeed, that also explains the pillory-like black wooden "display cases" that our local Sears uses to restrain its display iBooks. Anti-theft devices? Yeah, right-- anti-mayhem devices is more like it.
Now, accounts of attacks from iBooks that aren't playing out their terrible existences as abused display models are few and far between-- but don't get too comfortable, because it has been known to happen. As for what triggers such a violent response from an otherwise happy-go-lucky laptop, faithful viewer PTmon offered the following perspective: "I've heard that installing Virtual PC with any flavor of Windows can cause this weird behavior. Funny, it doesn't seem to happen with VPC Linux. Coincidence? I think not." Sage advice from the field, people; installing Windows on an iBook is like poking a starving tiger with a stick. Don't taunt the iBook. C'mon, we're sure you can relate... if you're a Mac person forced to use Windows at work, you're probably biting people's heads off by the end of the day, too.
What really surprised us, though, was the way that some viewers apparently thought this whole "attacking iBook" thing is just a big joke. Well, to those uncautious souls, we can only pass on this sobering image, forwarded to us by faithful viewer Dan Deering. To quote the caption posted by the terrified individuals at Diversified Computers, "all of the ones in our store today hunted down and attacked the sales manager!" The poor victim is pictured with both legs and one arm being gnawed off by Blueberry and Tangerine models, while two of the more bloodthirsty Graphite units are chewing angrily on his chest and head. Not for the squeamish. A joke, indeed... Try laughing with your face wedged between an LCD display and a translucent keyboard, buddy.
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And Now For A Word From Our Sponsors |
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 | | The above scene was taken from the 4/18/00 episode: April 18, 2000: Reports of attacks by disgruntled iBooks continue to pour in, including a grisly photograph showing a victim being gnawed on by no fewer than five of the little beasties. Meanwhile, MicroAge has more to worry about than bankruptcy proceedings, as Apple comes to collect the nine million it's owed, and Apple board member Larry Ellison stands poised to steal the title of "World's Richest Man" from that guy in Redmond...
Other scenes from that episode: 2237: Past Due, Please Remit (4/18/00) Wuh-oh, looks like MicroAge is in for it now. We told you yesterday that Pinacor's parent company had filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, but honestly we didn't think too much would necessarily come of it... 2238: Lesser Of Two Evils (4/18/00) For all of you who find it galling that Bill Gates is the world's richest man, well, heck, you're not alone. C'mon, the guy's got the personal charisma of a turnip dipped in Dull Sauce. Even the true geeks of the world (and in case you're wondering, our hands are up) are more than a little chagrined that this besweatered dweeb croaking about "innovation" in his Kermit-meets-Marvin-the-Martian voice has enough money to buy the rest of the planet six times over, but he still won't shell out twenty bucks for a decent haircut...
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