Heads up, true believers, because rampant iPhone speculation once again rears its ugly head! Actually, truth be told, there's nothing particularly ugly about it, really, other than the fact that it's been popping up periodically since 1999 and we're still really nowhere nearer to finding out just what it's all about. Oooooo, frustrating. And you thought that whole Framistan thing was baffling...

The iPhone mystery originally came to our attention in June of 2000, when rumor hounds first kicked around the possibility that Apple was working on its own mobile phone. Not long afterward, speculation mounted that iPhone would actually be a new "iApp" that would allow Mac users to place free phone calls via the Internet. It was roughly two years ago that someone brought to our attention the fact that Apple had registered the domain name "IPHONE.ORG" a full year earlier; at broadcast time, www.iphone.org still points to Apple's home page, nearly three years after it was first registered. Meanwhile, in terms of solid info on what iPhone actually is, we've got bupkis.

Well, here are the latest pieces of the puzzle: MacRumors notes that Apple has recently registered "iPhone" as a trademark in both Australia and the UK. The Australian filing happened less than two months ago, so it really looks like this mystery product may be getting pretty close to a ship date. Interestingly enough, though, we took a quick poke around the USPTO search engine, and there are a few IPHONEs listed, but none belonging to Apple. Two possibilities present themselves. The first is that since the trademark "iPhone" is already registered by Infogear for one of them thar oh-so-popular "Internet appliances," Apple might opt to name it something else in this country, much the same way that AirPort is known in Japan as AirMac. The second is that Apple has simply decided not to release iPhone in the U.S. because "market research shows that Americans don't like phones, and use them rarely." (Data provided by "Fred's Discount Market Research," where "prices are so low, you'll think we just make everything up!")

So is it an Apple-branded mobile phone, the next gadget in a line of Apple digital appliances led by the iPod? Mmmmm, probably not-- at least, not if the Australian trademark application means anything. iPhone is apparently classified under "computer hardware and software," "communication by computer," and "computer services," all of which implies that the iApp theory might be closer to the mark. We sense what is perhaps the advent of a 'net telephony application that grants .Mac subscribers free Mac-based phone calls anywhere in the world. Or maybe just to Guam. Sometimes it's just all about Guam.

Attention, Kmart shoppers: that Blue Light Special on RAM may soon be over. Remember when Apple launched the "Double Your Memory" promotion, which allowed customers to double the base RAM in any new Mac for just $40? Perhaps you know the deal by its other name, "The First Time In History That Extra RAM From Apple Isn't Hideously Overpriced And May Actually Be Worth Getting." Well, the deal is supposed to run through the end of the year here in the U.S., but as usual, the fine print notes that "Apple reserves the right to change the Terms and Conditions of this offer, or to discontinue it, at any time without notice"-- and there's at least one hint that the axe may fall a little earlier than planned.

Indeed, the free ride (or, rather, the extremely reasonably-priced one) is over in the UK; Macworld UK confirms that Apple has withdrawn the offer there, where a similar but slightly less catchy "Double Your RAM for £28.20" deal was supposed to run through January 6th, but is now no more than a fond memory. Blimey! The only consolation to our UK-based fans who waited just a little too long to take advantage of the offer is that Apple has at least reduced some of its prices for add-on RAM at the Apple Store-- but still, while upgrading a new PowerBook to a full GB for £240 is better than doing so for £320, it's decidedly less so than doing it for £28.20.

Now, just because something happens Across The Pond™ doesn't mean it'll happen here in the States, too; for instance, during last year's AtAT staff holiday in London we discovered that the English like to dispense their ketchup from little plastic squeezy tomatoes and are apparently bitterly averse to the concept of the Saltine. But it's not entirely unlikely that whatever prompted the end of the promo over there applies here as well, so don't be surprised if the forty-buck RAM offer gets axed before its time. You know, like "Birds of Prey."

As for why the promotion may be headed for an early cancellation, we have a theory. The last time we ventured into an Apple retail store, the Genius Bar was unmanned because all the techs were in the back installing cheap RAM into customer systems for fourteen hours straight. Our guess is that the promo indeed sold lots of systems, but Apple's increased sales revenue and the reduced profit margins on the additional RAM were all but swallowed up by insurance claims by company employees seeking medical attention for Repetitive RAM-Installing Injuries. Nothing's worse than watching your wrists burst into flame while installing the day's 200th SO-DIMM.

Lastly, a quickie courtesy of faithful viewer Tuner Equalizer: an Associated Press article notes that something stinks in the Seattle area, and it's not what you think. Reportedly the Puget Sound Clean Air Agency is up in arms over Stockpot Soups, a nearby soup company which has been cited three times in the past year and a half because "odors released during the manufacture of onion soup... penetrated well into Redmond."

Glen Jones, a nearby resident, had this to say about the phenomenon: "For quite a while nobody could figure out what it was. It was this oniony body-odor smell, almost like, well, did I use my deodorant this morning or what?" Okay, hold the phone, here; has anybody actually proven that this "oniony body-odor smell" isn't actually stronger in Redmond? Reportedly the "soup-making smells" are noticeable four nights out of five... is it at all possible that the fifth night is a certain simian CEO's bowling night three suburbs south?

That's right, folks, we're talking about Steve Ballmer. After all, we know the man sweats like something not of this earth, and the geographical coincidence is just a little too scary to ignore. If any budding investigative journalists out there want to prove their mettle, we're guessing that a little digging will eventually unearth the fact that the three $13,000 citations were paid not by Stockpot Soups or its parent company Campbell, but by Microsoft. In fact, we wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that the very presence of the soup plant in the first place was engineered by Microsoft as a convenient cover for the whiffy tendencies of the company's CEO.

C'mon, any company slimy enough to fake letters of support to attorneys general from dead people isn't above a little deception over a highly-placed executive's personal stench. Never underestimate the power of soup.