Listen! Did you hear that? That was the sound of opportunity as it went whooshing by overhead, never again to return. See, while the iTunes Music Store is debatably the coolest thing since sliced bread, it's really only as cool as bread that's only available in the U.S. and only fits in about 3% of the world's toasters (the best 3%, but 3% nonetheless). Apple rolled out a nifty pay-per-song download service last April, and it's a hit with Mac OS X-using music fans, but the fact that a Windows version won't be in place until the end of the year allowed Scott Blum to step quietly into the virgin snow and proceed to spew malodorous BuyMusic.com all over the landscape.

Granted, by the time Apple finally shows up, iTunes is only going to look (and smell) that much better by comparison, but who knows how many potential customers left the downloadable music market forever after getting BuyMusic all over their shoes? Worse yet, these are Windows users we're talking about, here; what if some of them are so used to a lifetime of techno-abuse and using utter crap that they gladly swallow what BuyMusic feeds them and never even give iTunes a second glance? Had iTunes for Windows been the trailblazer in that market, we bet BuyMusic would have folded a week after its launch.

So, yeah, there's something to be said for being first to market; the fact that BuyMusic hasn't choked to death on its own putrescence yet is proof enough of that. And now it turns out that Apple has not only missed being first in the U.S. Windows market, but it's also going to be playing "me too" in Europe as well. The iTMS, as we've mentioned before, still hasn't reached Europe for Mac or Wintel users, due to European records labels' and artists' inexplicable resistance to the effects of Steve's Reality Distortion Field; Apple has thus far been unable to hammer out a licensing deal-- but someone else has. Faithful viewer David Poves (lately we're all about the Poves) informs us that Microsoft has just launched a subscriptionless pay-per-download iTMS clone in Europe, and it's live today. Silicon.com has more.

Now, if you're wondering just how Microsoft managed to slap together an iTMS knockoff and graft it into Windows Media Player when, according to The Mac Observer, Bill Gates was just "considering" a pay-per-song download service as late as July, the answer is simple: they paid someone else to do it. Enter OD2, the only online music distribution service that's managed to secure licensing deals from the Big Five labels in Europe. Interestingly enough, OD2 was cofounded by a decidedly doughy-looking Peter Gabriel, whose RDF powers evidently trump even Jobs's, at least when it comes to shmoozing record company execs into letting you sell their songs online. Shock that monkey, Steve!

Since the service just debuted today, it's a little early to compare its features to those of the iTMS, but here's what we know so far: first of all, songs are a little pricier, with most costing about $1.12 and some running as high as $1.91; the prices even vary a bit depending on which country you're standing in when you purchase. The big issue, of course, is usage rights, and so far there isn't much to go on, but according to BBC News, OD2 CEO Charles Grimsdale claims that "fans can copy tracks, burn them to CDs, and transfer them to other devices as much as they want 'within reason.'" Then again, this is the same guy who claims that "Microsoft's service was not a direct response to iTunes' popularity," so there may be a slight credibility gap there. The Register reports that "not all" of the songs' copyright owners have "sanctioned" transfers to portable players or burning to CD, implying a hodgepodge of varying restrictions similar to the big stinking mess over at BuyMusic.

Still, no matter how good or bad it turns out to be, Microsoft's (well, OD2's, we suppose) version was first-- which will certainly put Apple at somewhat of a disadvantage when it finally scrapes together the licenses it needs to launch the iTMS in Europe. Meanwhile, a word of caution to Peter Gabriel: you may have been an AppleMaster, but there's a good chance you just wound up on Steve Jobs's enemies list. Avoid large, open areas with lots of surrounding high windows, stick to the shadows, and hire a food-taster ASAP.

Has anyone else noticed a distinct shift in the buzz about projected buyouts of Apple over the past few years? Back in the "Hurtin' '97" era, rumors of imminent Apple takeovers by less-beleaguered tech and/or media giants (such as Oracle, IBM, Sony, of course Disney, and even an unholy Marvel Team-up of Motorola and UMAX) were more frequent than ambulance pickups at Iron-Gut Jimmy's Raw Meat Bistro. More recently, though, such stuff has shifted from "X is buying Apple" to "Y should buy Apple"-- witness recent articles on how Apple would make a nice bargain for AOL or Sun. Which is good, we suppose, since it reflects an improvement in Apple's financial state; at least people aren't constantly predicting hostile raids on Cupertino these days-- they're just advocating them.

Well, as faithful viewer Billy Nichols points out, today the punditry continues apace, this time with Wired contributing editor Josh McHugh opining that Apple would be a perfect little morsel for Sony to munch on. And if you think about it, yes, if Apple had to get bought by somebody, Sony might make a nice match; Steve himself has voiced his goal to make Apple into the "Sony of the computer world," but with the iPod replacing the Walkman, he's starting to turn it into the Sony of the Sony world, as well. Among the big-name Wintel manufacturers, Sony is the only company whose products even come close to Apple's in terms of style and industrial design; remember when the titanium PowerBook G4 debuted and Steve spent all that time talking about trying to catch up with the VAIO's sex appeal?

Of course, the thing that stuck out in our memories, though, was that time a couple of years ago when rumors surfaced about a possible Sony takeover of Apple-- and Sony CEO Nobuyuki Idei practically killed himself leaping for the nearest microphone to "flatly deny" the rumors in record time. At the time we just chalked it up to good ol' Japanese efficiency, but now it seems there may have been a certain degree of the "Good God No" factor mixed in there, too: according to Wired, Jobs and Idei "sat down several times last year... to discuss joint ventures," but the talks went nowhere fast. While Idei liked Steve's ideas, he didn't like Steve himself-- particularly Mercurial Boy's infamous lack of humility-- so Idei "scrapped the negotiations" and that was that. Granted, that all took place after Idei's breathless denial of the buyout rumors, but the man's apparent gasping horror at the prospect of an Apple-Sony merger may indicate a, um, "dislike" for Steve that's been in place for years.

But any concern on Idei's part about having to work with Jobs after a Sony takeover of Apple is, of course, totally unfounded. If past history is any guide, if Sony were to buy Apple, within six months Steve would persuade the board of directors to toss Idei out on his hinder, paving the way for Steve himself to assume the CEO role-- first in an "interim" capacity, and eventually as a permanent gig. Under Jobs's reign, Sony would soon rebound from its recent billion-dollar-a-quarter losses, Jobs would be given a jet or three, and Idei would pen a tell-all book about how everything Steve did to return Sony to greatness was actually Idei's idea. In fact, Mr. Idei, buying Apple is practically the best way to guarantee that you'll never have to work with Steve Jobs again! Got your checkbook handy?

Oh, the depths to which people will sink; we're actually a little queasy right now, to be perfectly honest. What kind of... of... heathen would desecrate the hallowed ground of an Apple retail store by committing a crime as base as theft? Those stores are, after all, the closest that Mac fans are going to get to retail heaven without first shuffling off this mortal coil, and the notion that some contemptible degenerates with no sense of reverence for the divine would actually steal the sacred relics from the temple, well, all we can say is that the transgressors will pay dearly for their blasphemy once the karma wheel swings back around and knocks them flat on their Mac-boosting buttocks.

Actually, having said that last bit about "Mac-boosting buttocks," we just got a mental image of somebody's hindquarters being used to raise a PowerBook to the proper height for use, which is just goofy enough to make us feel a smidge better. Butt Humor: Improving Moods Since Kindergarten!™

So here's what we're on about: Think Secret reported yesterday that Apple has a bit of a problem with shoplifting; a selection of five stores "averaged $26,000 in theft of portables and cameras in a three month period." Now, we're not entirely sure how to interpret that "averaged" part; it implies to us that each of the five stores lost an average of twenty-six grand's worth of merchandise in three months, but that can't be right, can it? We're going to assume based on context (and our wavering but intact belief that human beings just couldn't be that evil) that the loss totalled $26,000 for five stores in three months, because if that's really an average, Apple needs to consider hiring some sighted people to keep an eye on the doors.

Either way, the shrinkage is enough of a problem that Apple has reportedly seen fit to install new security cables on the merchandise in hopes of preventing it from wandering out the door sans receipt. Earlier this year, the company tested the new cables in the same five stores that had somehow lost twenty-six large in one quarter; reportedly those stores wound up losing a mere $568 in merchandise during the three-month test period, for an apparent 98% decrease in loss due to theft. So, great; sounds like Apple Retail just took one more step towards finally turning a profit. We're glad about that, although our hearts are still heavy knowing that Apple needed to resort to ugly cabling in order to keep people honest. For a company that pioneered the widespread use of wireless networking, it's a shame that those AirPort-boasting demo 'Books are now tethered down both by their power cords and by an antitheft device.

Of course, knowing Apple, this was just the inspiration the Cupertino geeks needed to stop screwing around with the rumored wireless mouse and keyboard and commence work on wireless security technology. We predict that within eighteen months, Apple will introduce a fully automated system whereby any item carried out of the store and not accompanied by valid proof of purchase will summarily blow off the perpetrator's hands at the wrists. So, uh, make sure you take your receipt.