Geez, it's like crawling through the desert for three days with no water when suddenly somebody pops up and hands you a giant cherry Slurpee: just when we were beginning to despair of ever again relishing another stint of Apple courtroom drama (we said drama; lame-o class actions filed by iPod owners with dead batteries don't quite cut it), along comes a new lawsuit that's so thoroughly soaked in the juicy stuff, it's making its own gravy. Granted, we were probably being greedy, since Apple getting sued by The Beatles technically should be all the legal drama we need for a year or two-- but see what happens when you wish really hard? The lawsuits against Apple by big-name recording artists start to multiply! Clearly we did something really nice in a previous life.

So here's the thing: faithful viewer David Poves notes that, as reported by the Associated Press, Apple has been slapped by a lawsuit filed by none other than Eminem (or, technically, his music publisher) for unauthorized use of one of his songs in a TV commercial. You remember this thing, right? There was a series of ads for the iTunes Music Store which featured "regular shmoes" wearing iPods and singing along to various songs with wildly varying degrees of success; one of them featured ten-year-old "Jacob" rapping Eminem's "Lose Yourself." Then a weird thing happened: Jacob's ad vanished from Apple's web site and reappeared a few days later, only suddenly Jacob was rapping a different Eminem song, "The Real Slim Shady." And now we know what all that was about.

What's interesting is that the commercial doesn't contain any of Eminem's recording of the song, just the words performed by Kid Jacob; the suit alleges copyright infringement and asserts that Apple used Eminem's song in its ad in such a way that implied an endorsement by the writer. Now, personally, we never once looked at Apple's commercial and said "Apple claims that Eminem likes the iTunes Music Store"; our interpretation was always "Apple claims that kids who like Eminem and want to buy his songs like the iTunes Music Store." And while we suppose Jacob could sue Apple for making it look like he endorsed the service, somehow we doubt that'd really go anywhere.

Then again, just because we didn't think the commercial implied an endorsement by Eminem, that doesn't mean other people didn't, so we can actually see Eminem's side to this. There was a time a few years back when another web site used the AtAT logo prominently and without our knowledge or permission, and even though AtAT was listed in a "sites we like" sort of context, we still got our share of email from irate customers of that other site complaining to us because they had seen the logo and assumed we were running things over there. It happens. And Eminem may have a watertight case; his publisher reportedly has email from Apple's ad agency acknowledging the rapper's refusal to allow the song to be used and confirming that "you guys are a definite 'no' for the campaign," and the message is dated two months before the commercial found its way onto the airwaves.

So now it's up to a judge to decide whether Apple's use of the song could be interpreted by viewers as Eminem's endorsement of the advertised service. There's no word how much cash Eminem is looking to score, but the suit specifies that "any endorsement deal would require a significant amount of money, possibly in excess of $10 million." If he wins, will Eminem go on to sue Mars Inc. for making people think he endorses M&M's?

Today we'd like to talk to you briefly about a grand tradition in the history of entertainment-- a tradition that has brought joy and laughter to countless people who would otherwise suffer a mirthless existence of unceasing hardship and toil from cradle to grave. We speak, of course, of history's proud succession of funny cats. Garfield. Heathcliff. The Pink Panther. Sylvester. Felix. Top Cat. Tom. Scratchy. Bucky Katt. The Cat in the Hat. All those Kliban cats. Everyone's favorite, the kitten in a banana. And many others far too numerous to name; the list just stretches on and on.

So is it any wonder that the vaguely demonic-lookin', headphone-sportin' feline known as Napster is now doing its best to make us all giggle? Faithful viewer bo notes that Napster just announced on Monday that it had sold 5 million songs since it went live last October, and here's the hi-freakin'-larious part: the company claims to be proud of that fact! Get it?! We're tellin' ya, that cat is a hoot and a half!

Yes, the company managed to keep a straight face when it called itself "Number One in Music Downloads for PC-Only Stores," as if that's a) difficult ("Look, we beat BuyMusic.com! Oooooo!") and b) a real category. "PC-only stores"? As if people choose to buy their tunes from PC-only services so as not to catch Mac cooties, or something; could this possibly be anything other than an artificial differentiator from the iTunes Music Store so that Napster can claim the title "Number One" instead of "A Distant and Truly Sad Number Two"? Sheesh, the company may as well just call itself "Number One in Music Downloads for Stores Not Run by a Company Whose Name Rhymes with 'Bapple.'"

Meanwhile, the boast of 5 million songs sold is clearly an attempt at ironic humor, because it pales in comparison to the iTMS's initial performance. As you all know, the iTMS went live on April 28th, and exactly eight weeks later on June 23rd, it reported that it had sold over 5 million songs. That's 5 million songs in 56 days. Napster, on the other hand, went live on October 29th, and reported surpassing five million songs sold on February 23rd; by our count, that means it took Napster 117 days to sell the same number of songs as Apple did. That's more than twice as long, despite the fact that Apple was selling exclusively to Mac users-- a market probably an order of magnitude smaller than the Wintel jockeys Napster's targeting.

Moreover, if you drag out the calculator and press a few buttons, you'll find that Napster's sales rate has barely budged an inch since the service relaunched in October. The company reported that it had sold "more than 300,000 songs" after its first week, which breaks down to an average of 42,857 a day (give or take). Now, subtract out those 300,000 songs from the new 5 million total and subtract the first seven days from Napster's 117 days in business, and you'll find that since the end of its first week, it sold 4.7 million songs in 110 days-- or 42,727 a day. That qualifies Napster's growth curve as this week's prestigious "Flatter Than Kansas" Award! Congratulations all around.

Hey, to celebrate, maybe Napster will tell us again how having "the world's most recognized brand in online music" guarantees that it'll come out on top eventually. That one just gets funnier every time we hear it!

Wanna hear a secret? You'd never know it by the way we've done about eleventy-twelve scenes on Mike Dell's obsession with Steve Jobs over the years, or how variants of the Disney-buying-Apple rumor make it onto the show at least twice a week, but the truth is, eventually we really do get bored writing about the same old stuff over and over again, no matter how juicy the topic may once have been. Believe us, we've cranked out enough drama about long-time Windoid David Coursey's suspicious transformation into a Mac-booster to last us a lifetime; no more. Likewise, bashing Apple-phobic "analyst" Rob Enderle's consistently ill-informed opinions and inaccurate predictions of Apple's doom (not to mention his infatuation with a bright red laptop that goes "vroom, vroom"), well, it's so gosh-darn easy that it's downright Dullsville. We're swearing off that, too.

What's that? There's a rare opportunity to cover both Coursey and Enderle in a single scene? Well, then, to the Batpoles, Robin!

First, the Coursey side: faithful viewer mrmgraphics points out that in Monday's AnchorDesk installment, good ol' Dave provides all sorts of gems, starting with the article's title: "When Windows won't work, it's time for a Mac"-- which, of course, logically reduces to "It's time for a Mac." Moving on, how much of an Apple cheerleader has he become to lead off with a statement like "In my computing life, there's one constant: The Macs don't crash and the Windows machines do"? And remember, folks, this is a guy who's still enough of a Windows user to own one of the six Tablet PCs that have actually been sold since the products came on the market.

Anyway, Coursey's Fujitsu Tablet PC reportedly "slowed to a crawl" last week (requiring ten minutes to boot) and no amount of seemingly competent troubleshooting has indicated a fix less drastic than reinstalling Windows. Meanwhile, he also crashed his Compaq laptop by "loading some apps" (strenuous activity, indeed), and his HP Media Center PC "crashed after Symantec SystemWorks 2004 first failed to install properly and then didn't allow itself to be uninstalled." All in all, he's "down three Windows machines right now"-- and judging by his descriptions of what his life is like when using those things, it really sounds to us like he shouldn't bother replacing them. After all, he freely admits that "when Windows ticks [him] off," he just fires up his PowerBook and life is grand. One can only wonder why he doesn't make the switch permanently, considering he describes Mac OS X as "darn near uncrashable," "rock solid," and the OS that "just runs" no matter what he throws at it.

Eventually he notes that he can't make the switch full-time because there are Windows apps he doesn't want to give up (he's not using a G5; someone send him a copy of Virtual PC), but overall it sounds like Coursey is an open-minded and intelligent guy. On the other hand (and this is where Overdone Topic Number 2 comes in-- ready?), he publicly admits to being friends with Rob Enderle. What does that tell you?

Incidentally, does anyone find it... well, curious that Dave's Tablet PC only started to choke after he'd used it to take notes during a meeting at his buddy Rob's house? Indeed, Dave himself suspects that "something corrupted some system file between the time [he] left Rob's and when [he] got home." Hey, c'mon, Dave, give the Tablet PC a break; if we had to sit through a meeting with Rob Enderle, we'd probably wind up in a coma, too.