There are mere hours left until Steve takes the stage-- and can't you just smell the Kool-Aid? Over the weekend, rumoric energy readings sampled from key locations around the globe officially reached what professional speculationologists technically classify as a "fever pitch." And most of the buzz is about the iPod, which may gall some Mac purists (this is Macworld, after all), but heck, why be bitter? We figure, just revel in the craziness and take whatever comes bearing an Apple logo.

So howzabout a last-minute roundup of the most intriguing iPod rumors floating around out there just prior to the show? Probably the one that came from furthest out in left field is the one that faithful viewer terry dunham forwarded us, a scoop which didn't come from Think Secret or AppleInsider or any other Mac-oriented dirt-dishing site, but instead from a national TV show about celebrities and their associated clothes, diets, and divorces. Yes, according to a MacInTouch reader, Lindsay Lohan's little sister Aliana appeared on Saturday's episode of Access Hollywood, claiming to have recently finished shooting a commercial for the "iPod radio," which will be released "this week." D'oh! Apparently someone didn't understand all the big words in her NDA. And what's Steve gonna do, rough up a ten-year-old girl? Now there's a photo op for the ages.

Now, not being Access Hollywood junkies, we can't actually confirm that the Aliana "Motormouth" Lohan thing even really happened. But as faithful viewer Richard Plotkin points out, Mac OS Rumors) claims to have received over 100 messages in a fifteen-minute period from breathless celeb-trash viewers who witnessed the spot-- except that MOSR says that it was Lindsay Lohan herself who claimed to have done an iPod radio TV commercial, not her sister Aliana. Whatever. The point is, apparently somebody with the surname "Lohan" shot a commercial for an imminent Apple product called the "iPod radio," and her age and bust size are totally irrelevant in the context of just what the heck the iPod radio might be in the first place. Is it a flash-based iPod with an FM radio receiver built in? Can it transmit to a car radio without the need of a separate FM transmitter such as the iTrip? Does Howard Stern keep talking over all of your music when you try to play it? What?

But before you go all nutzoid over the "iPod radio" concept, you might want to rein it in a little, there, because according to faithful viewer neopod, MacityNet.it claims to have the real scoop on the new iPod-- based on banners they witnessed being set up at the Moscone Center for the Big Show. Apparently someone got a little lax with security, because MacityNet has posted what appear at a quick glance to be legitimate photos of a man in a really bad shirt hanging a big, green banner that says "Life is random." In addition, the site claims to have taken photos of several other banners inside, which touted "240 songs" (which would be 1 GB of storage) and depicted a smaller white iPod "with a shape more vertical" than existing models, and-- remember this rumor?-- no screen.

Unfortunately, MacityNet claims that the staff forced them to delete all the photos of the banners they'd taken inside, so we only have their word to go on. But the "life is random" thing freaks us out a little; could Apple really be on the verge of shipping a 240-song iPod with no screen-- and no navigation except "PREV" and "NEXT"? Oh, and maybe a radio receiver? We guess we'll know soon enough; unfortunately, for true Apple freaks, "soon enough" just isn't soon enough. Hang in there, folks-- bite down on your wallet so you don't swallow your tongue, and try to relax, because soon all will be revealed...

More bad news, people: for those of us not blessed to be attending the Stevenote in person, we're definitely going to have to suffer the pain of ignorance for a lot longer than you might have originally planned. Apple has confirmed via PRNewswire that there'll be no live webcast of the event, but there will be an after-the-fact video-on-demand stream for curious fans who don't mind getting their dose of Steve via a seemingly excessive tape delay. The keynote starts at 9 AM PST, and Apple says that the webcast won't go up until 6 PM. Maybe it's just us, but shouldn't encoding a couple of hours' worth of footage take rather less than seven or eight hours to accomplish? (Must be all that CGI post-processing they need to turn Steve's walking, talking likeness into a convincing 3D model of Gollum.)

But no worries, because ever since the first no-webcast whispers hit your ear, you just figured you'd make do with one of the several Apple sites like MacMinute or MacRumors that traditionally provides near-real-time text-based updates during the Stevenote, right? Well, we're sorry to break the news to you, folks, but it sounds like Plan B just crashed and burned, too; according to faithful viewer Daniel Blanken, an AppleInsider forum post claims that "the press is now required to agree to NOT post anything until the show is over." What the--? For whatever reason, Steve is apparently trying to turn the keynote hall into a Cone of Silence or something.

So why the bizarre insistence on extra secrecy this time around? After all, what's the difference to Apple whether a reporter in attendance publicly posts the flashPod specs as they're announced, or forty minutes later when Steve walks off the stage? The only thing we can think of is that Apple's planned announcements include some stuff either so messed up or so contrary to the well-known rumors that the company knows they'll incite Apple fans to riot-- think "no flashPod," or "cheapMac at $649 instead of $499," or "historic merger with Gateway"-- and Steve wants enough time to get to safety before the news reaches critical mass and rampaging mobs of furious Apple fans get their lynchin' mojo workin'. Between the QuickTime delay and the "no live updates" stipulation for the press, Steve ought to have just enough time to get back to his secret underground bunker and seal himself inside before people come looking to put his head on a stick.

That's not to say, of course, that plenty of media wonks won't still post live running updates all the way through the keynote, since the odds of getting caught in the act during the show are pretty slim. Besides, what could happen if they get nabbed? If the news is so catastrophic that Steve feels he needs a head start back to his lair before the locals start taking potshots at him, there might not be any future Macworld Expos from which to get banned. And a reputation as a rebel not fond of rules can only help in the Mad Max-like post-apocalyptic futureworld we'll all be inhabiting once the Great Stevenote After-Riots finally tear civilization up by its roots and revert the land to savagery and mayhem. Why, it's win-win!

We know this is our last chance to squeeze in once final glass o' juice about potential Stevenote announcements before the big to-do goes down, but you know what? We're too giddy with anticipation to dwell on it anymore, and we're guessing you're feeling pretty burned out about the whole thing, too. What with all the rumors and lawsuits and bizarre press requirements flying around, this is probably the most eagerly awaited Stevenote in years, so we figure it's probably best to untangle our heads with something other than flashPod price rumors or "Asteroid" name guesses or predictions about exactly when Steve will flee the scene with his jetpack. So what say we cleanse our palates before Father Steve's sermon with a little snack of leftovers from Wildly Off-Topic Microsoft-Bashing Day?

You're already well aware (although, as Mac users, hopefully not intimately aware) that the spyware problem over there in the Windows camp has gotten well and truly out of control; most Wintels with Internet connections are probably running thirty or forty bits of covert software doing everything from stealing passwords to intercepting credit card numbers to secretly hypnotizing the family pooch to relieve himself in every pair of footwear he encounters. Certainly Microsoft is aware of the crisis-- and has finally deemed the problem big enough that now is a good time for the company to pretend that it actually cares. We've already mentioned how Microsoft bought out an anti-spyware company and planned to release a spyware-purging app completely for free-- at least at first. As far as we know, the company still hasn't decided to charge for updates (though it hasn't ruled out the possibility), but Microsoft AntiSpyware Beta 1 is now available for Windows users to use free of charge.

Overall, the app seems to be getting its fair share of thumbs-up reviews, but faithful viewer Lisa Boucher informed us of an amusing little anomaly described over at Chris Pirillo's blog: apparently on Chris's system, Microsoft AntiSpyware only identified one potentially malignant "Shell Execute Hook"-- and according to the screenshot he's provided as proof (which also suggests that Microsoft's developers could use a quick lesson in the proper usage of apostrophes-- "Window's"?), the offending software was Microsoft AntiSpyware itself. Yes, it seems that Microsoft's new spyware-zapping application labels its very own shell extension as "Unknown" and offers to send it to SpyNet for analysis.

We're not suggesting that actually means anything, mind you, but since Microsoft just bought and renamed software written by a company named GIANT instead of writing its own (or making Windows more impervious to spyware infection in the first place), we like to fantasize that GIANT was originally smart enough to distrust any Microsoft-branded shell hooks and Microsoft just hasn't gotten around to dumbing the application down yet. In any case, we thought it was worth a small off-topic chuckle to help keep your mind from obsessing too completely over Steve's imminent shindig; after all, we're sure there'll be plenty enough to obsess about in a few hours' time.