And thus does the first Microsoft Office Beauty Pageant wind to a close. Oh, sure, we're well aware that some sites, most notably MacDailyNews, are conscientiously objecting to this "feeble publicity sleepfest" by ignoring the contest altogether-- or, at least, publishing an article about how they're ignoring it, which is a commendable accomplishment in paradoxical behavior if ever we saw one-- but we figure, hey, this kind of stuff is our bread and butter over here in the melodrama biz, so we're picking up this ball and running with it.

And so, the envelope please! Faithful viewer Killswitch informs us that Redmond has crowned the lovely and talented Alissa Salmore the first reigning Ms. M.o.X.i.e. because of her (ahem) "commendable determination, creativity, business savvy, and her use of her Mac and Office for Mac." Only the truly cynical would comment that she's got a real purty smile, too.

Don't get us wrong-- we're sure that Ms. Salmore is indeed a highly intelligent and motivated individual, and that, crude commentary in various forums notwithstanding, her win had nothing whatsoever to do with her being among the most photogenic of the finalists. Note, also, that entering such an insultingly conceived contest in the first place may reveal a fine-tuned sense of irony instead of a total lack of shame. (For the record, if any of us had qualified, we'd have entered because of the lack of shame thing. C'mon, we're talking about ten grand and a free iMac, here. For fifty bucks we'd put our face in their soup and blow.)

Therefore, we'd like to extend our heartfelt and not-at-all-sarcastic (really!) congratulations to Ms. Salmore, and not just in the hopes that she'll cut us in on the cash. She wins the aforementioned ten thousand clams, a new iMac loaded up with Microsoft Office, and-- most importantly of all-- "the Ms. M.o.X.i.e. title," with which she'll be well-equipped to bring about world peace, end hunger, and cure all known disease by the end of her reign. (Does she get a tiara? Because if she doesn't, really, what's the point?)

And so we can close the book on this tale of outmoded beauty-pageant tastelessness, heated debates on the nature of sexism, and forced acronyms ("Microsoft Office v. X Integrated Experience"? Puh-LEEZE)-- at least, until Microsoft decides to do this again. Just in case this turns into an annual thing, girls, make sure you start primping (and improving your "gutsy determination") now-- and you might want to drop five pounds in case Microsoft takes the obvious next step and adds a swimsuit competition.