Oh, to be a professional basketball player in the NBA, right? Fame, money, chicks, money, felonies, money with which to pay the lawyers to get away with it, more money, and (let's not forget) moolah. We were just reading that the top NBA draft pick scored almost $3.5 million a year, while Kobe Bryant's getting something like $136 million over seven years, so if you shoot hoops for a living, you're not exactly making chump change. (Well, unless you're playing for the WNBA, which has a salary cap well under the six-figure range. So much for equal pay for equal work.)

But what good is all that NBA cash if it costs you your soul-- and your R 'n' B, your techno, your geezer rock, your speed metal, and your Appalachian banjo music? Faithful viewer Timo sent us a link to an Associated Press article which reports that Vince Carter of the Toronto Raptors has been officially banned from listening to his iPod during pre-game warmups, which may just drop his Vegas odds a few points, since he says that he "listens to the music in order to focus before a game." So if you follow sports and suddenly notice Carter hurling brick after brick left, right, and center, you'll know why. (Unless he's been throwing them all along, that is.)

So what's with the iPod ban? Well, apparently it's not just Carter being singled out; none of the players is allowed to listen to an iPod during the twenty-minute warmups before each game, because doing so is "a violation of the league's rules on proper attire." Proper attire? So suddenly the NBA is a member of the Fashion Police or something? Perhaps they haven't noticed that the Raptors wear bright purple uniforms, which we'd consider to be a far more serious transgression than sporting an iPod. Heck, we're not exactly the experts on haute couture or anything, here, but given that kids who can't afford iPods are painting black earbuds white with Liquid Paper, it sounds to us that not listening to an iPod is today's big Fashion Don't.

Okay, sure, we understand that the objection might have something to do with giving Apple free advertising, because even the most nearsighted fans will be able to spot those gleaming white earbuds from up in the cheap seats, and they'll know exactly what kind of device that player is listening to. (They may not be able to see who the player is or even which team he plays for, but that's beside the point.) Still, isn't this cruel and unusual? Particularly in Carter's case-- come on, the guy's in Toronto just days before the iTunes Music Store opens in Canada, and he won't be able to blow his millions on tunes to listen to during warmups? Jeez, it almost makes us glad to be poor. Almost.

The good news, of course, is that now Apple has a built-in market for a new addition to the iPod line: the iPod Implantable (oops, we mean "iPod implantable"). Yes, all Apple needs to do is build an iPod that gets wedged right into the grey matter-- we only use, what, 10 percent of our brains, so we can make plenty of room!-- and pipes music straight to the inner ear. Controlling the thing might be a little tricky; telepathy would be ideal, but some sort of head-motion interface might be more cost-effective provided there's a hold switch so you don't make the thing go skipping all over creation which watching (or playing) tennis. As for a display, well, what's wrong with just guessing?

Think of it: with all those rich NBA players banned from 'Podding during warmups, Apple could charge a cool million apiece. And they'd sell like crazy, too, as long as Apple's marketing team can figure out how to convince everyone that loading songs by jamming a FireWire cable up one's left nostril is drop-dead sexy.