Well, here we were, all set for a juicy true tale of Mac weirdness to end this latest news lull. After all, we had certainly primed the pump, entreating Cupertino-area AtAT fans to don rainbow wigs and offer Steve Jobs a stick of gum as he attempted to gain entry to his car; heck, we figured probably at least three or four people might have taken us up on it, and we'd have the added luxury of being able to tell you about a whole stinkin' mob of rainbow-wigged, gum-waving psychos descending upon poor Steve and giving him Dali-esque nightmares for the rest of his natural life. Imagine our crushing disappointment, then, when we discovered that a Google News search for "jobs rainbow gum stalker" turned up absolutely zippo. Nada. What, none of you could scrape together a pack of gum? Geez, thanks a lot. We're just thankful that News Drought Relief has arrived in another, albeit lamer, form. (No thanks to you.)

And by lamer news we mean promos, promos, PROMOS!! Zillions of 'em, winging their way in from Cupertino like so many flying monkeys swooping at Dorothy's head. Poking around Apple's site in the wee hours this morning unearthed all sorts of nifty ways in which to save a few bucks on both hardware and software, so if you're the thrifty type, listen up. You may even save enough for a rainbow wig and a pack of Juicy Fruit. Ingrates.

Okay, bitterness on hold startinnnnnng NOW. First up is "Double Your Memory," which is pretty self-explanatory: buy any Mac (except for the 256 MB iBook, on which the RAM can't be doubled, but appropriate savings on a 640 MB configuration apply) by the end of the year, and doubling the base RAM will only cost you $40. Amazingly enough, that actually sounds like a pretty good deal. Reasonably-priced RAM from Apple? Okay, maybe this is bigger news than we originally thought.

Next up is "Lights, Camera, Action!" This one's perhaps slightly less universal in its appeal than cheap RAM in any Mac, but it's still a nice promo for the cinematically-minded out there: buy any digital video camera from the online Apple Store, and you'll save at least $50 (on the entry-level JVC GR-DVL120U) and possibly as much as $500 (on the top-of-the-line Canon XL-1S). Perfect for you budding Spielbergs out there.

Lastly, we've got one that's just about as esoteric in its appeal as it gets: Apple's "Shake/Maya" promo-- what, no cutesy name?-- is for "Serious Visual Effects Artists Only" (others attempting to take advantage of this offer will be beaten to within an inch of their lives and left in a ditch in New Jersey) and offers customers up to three grand off on Apple's recently-acquired compositing software Shake if they can provide a valid serial number for the equally-high-end 3D software Maya Complete or Maya Unlimited. Spend a bundle to save a (smaller) bundle.

Actually, we'd swear we thought we'd seen one more new promo called "Power Couple" which offered $200-400 off on Power Macs and PowerBooks when purchased together with any Apple display larger than 17 inches, but it's worth mentioning that we hallucinate these days. A lot. And since at broadcast time there was no Power Couple offer listed on Apple's Promo page, we're going to have to assume that 1) Apple slipped and temporarily posted details on a promo that wasn't yet live; 2) we're psychic and experiencing spookily accurate visions of the future which, unfortunately, have nothing to do with tomorrow night's lottery numbers; or 3) we're just completely stark raving loony with sleep loss. Interpret as you see fit, and note that even if a "Power Couple" promo indeed does surface soon, that still doesn't rule out option #3.

So there you have it: more promos than you can shake a stick at, Okay, so it's no rainbow-wigged gum-offerer in the parking lot, but until somebody gets their act together, well, it's the best we can do.

It's one of the worst-kept secrets in the Mac universe: Apple is silently killing off various anti-Mac pundits and replacing them with far more receptive pod people that are otherwise indistinguishable from the real deal. The classic example is, of course, David Coursey, whose total reversal of opinion on the Macintosh way of life started off slowly, but the results are now so complete, faithful viewer Will informs us that the former Windoid is posting articles with titles like "Why I (Still) Just Love My iMac" and is actually spending his vacation time-- get this-- "writing a book for would-be switchers, intended in part to help them make the right choice." So the plan is working, and sources tell us that the only reason Apple hasn't replaced noted Mac-hater John Dvorak yet is because they're having a really hard time creating anything this scary looking in the cloning lab. But they're trying really hard.

In the meantime, fear not, because while Dvorak remains his crusty ol' Mac-bashing self, Apple's pod people conversion initiative continues apace with John's other PC Magazine cohorts. At least, we can only assume so, since that traditionally Mac-hostile (or, at least, non-Mac-aware) publication is getting decidedly giddy about Apple's gear these days. Take, for example, PC Magazine's review of the Xserve, which grants the server a four-out-of-five rating and positively drips with kudos-- "a great OS," "so easy that it actually confused us," "it really can do almost everything." C'mon, they actually refer to a piece of Apple hardware as a "well-appointed and economical server solution" and note that it's cheaper than a similarly tricked-out Dell. You mean to tell us that's not the result of pod person infiltration?

Well, if you need further proof, look no further than PC Magazine's Editor's Choice for Consumer Desktops. Hint: it ain't no stinkin' Presario. Yes, the iMac stole the show, which we assume has Mr. Dvorak wondering just what is up with his colleagues these days-- why they're so gung-ho for Apple's products, and why they're always drinking so much water without ever going to the bathroom.

So fret not, true believers, because it's only a matter of time before Dvorak, too, is replaced by a Mac-loving alien clone facsimile. We'll know it's happened when "John" appears in public carrying an original "girly" Tangerine iBook like an oversized clutch purse...

Since real news is still somewhat scarce around here these days, we thought we'd take a moment and expand upon our previous hints on how to score a free iPod; today's Super Penny-Pincher Thrifty Tip widens the scope a little, and instead of telling you how to cram one or more thousand songs in your pocket without spending a dime, it will reveal to you how you can get your hands on an iBook for just forty bucks. That's right: forty smackers, and you can own Apple's best-selling consumer portable to do with as you please. Heck, for forty clams, use it as a doorstop if you like-- it's still almost a good deal.

Ready for this? Okay, pay close attention, here: faithful viewer Jens Kueter drew our attention to a Kennebec Journal puff piece which details one seventh grade class's early successes and glitches with iBooks as provided by the state under that much-ballyhooed (and much-opposed, but ultimately approved) State of Maine middle school laptop program. (Fun fact: according to the article, Maine's contract for the iBooks is not with Apple, but with some company called "Macintosh." Who knew?) The salient bit, here, is that Maine's Department of Education director of special projects Yellow Light Breen-- don't ask-- reveals that the iBooks were not bought outright, but rather acquired under the terms of a "kind of a lease-purchase deal." And here's the kicker: says Breen, "at the end of the four years we'll have an opportunity to buy them for $40 each."

So there you have it, folks: how to get a $40 iBook. First negotiate a $37.2 million contract with Apple (sorry-- "Macintosh") to provide some 38,000 iBooks to every middle school child and teacher in your state. (State of Mainers: since it's already been done, you may have to move before you can complete Step 1. Perhaps Montana?) Next, fork over the cash and wait four years while your state's students enjoy their government-supplied Macs. Once that's over with, all you need to do is pay another $40 for each iBook you want to keep, scrape the gum off the screens, and enjoy. What could be simpler?