Okay, boys and girls, according to PC World, Intel plans to take the wraps off a new Pentium 4 that runs at a whopping 3 GHz tomorrow-- which means it's time to get all panicky about the PowerPC currently topping out at less than half that clock speed and to start swapping frenzied speculation about Apple's imminent switch to x86 iron. We know, we know... it's a pretty tired old rumor to be dragging out for another trot around the block, especially with IBM's new PowerPC 970 confirmed for production in a year's time, but a 3 GHz Intel chip means a palpable fear of underperformance in the Mac realm, and this is just the way this stuff works. So suck it up and get ready to dish.

Besides, at least now there's a slightly new wrinkle to jazz up an otherwise played-out rumor: faithful viewer Eric Wright notes that the Naked Mole Rat furnishes us with a few tantalizing tidbits about Top Secret Super-Duper-Hush-Hush skunkworks x86-based Macs that have allegedly been farmed out to Apple's most trusted testers recently. It seems that, in an effort to keep the details about these supposed Athlon-powered Macs as secure as possible, the test units come in "nondescript beige chassis" (shudder) instead of Apple's trademark lickable enclosures, and said chassis are-- get this-- welded shut so no one can get at the goods within.

Hmmm... a nondescript beige box that's been permanently welded shut. If that's not the antithesis of Apple's current Power Mac G4 enclosure with the easy-open side panel, we don't know what is. And while most people probably assume that Apple is going the beige, blah, and hermetically-sealed route just during this early testing phase to thwart the spies that lurk in every shadow, we're starting to think that said prototypes are actually darn close to the major enclosure overhaul Apple plans if IBM and Motorola ever both spontaneously burst into flame and the company ever needs to put a full-scale PowerPC-to-x86 migration into action.

Think about it: what better way to ensure that Apple's new Macs gain broad acceptance in the Wintel world than by making them ugly, generic, and as difficult to work with as humanly possible? Nothing would appeal to the PC camp more than a computer chock full of all sorts of empty RAM and PCI slots but which requires the Jaws of Life to open. This is targeted marketing at its most brilliant, people. Why, we can see the stock flying already!

Continuing AtAT's series of fabulous yet frugal holiday gift ideas, today we'd like to remind you that the online Apple Store is running a special promotion on iPods right now: order anytime up through a week after New Year's and you can get that 'Pod engraved with a custom message for the low, low price of just $19.95. The engraving option is nothing new, of course-- it debuted with the original 10 GB iPod back in March-- but this special holiday pricing represents a solid $30 off the usual going rate. As such, we advise you to take advantage of it while you can; thirty clams is thirty clams, and not to be trifled with.

After all, an iPod is just an iPod-- but slap a personal message on its back, and suddenly that hunk of circuitry and shiny stuff has been transformed into a thoughtful gift of deep and moving sentiment. Remember, when you get an iPod engraved, you've got two 27-character lines to work with, so be creative and make it count. Unfortunately, Apple's apparently taken a page from the DMV playbook and rejects swear words, so anything the state won't let you get on a license plate probably isn't going to wind up on your iPod, either. As such, you might have to get personal without actually getting dirty. (Yes, we're told it is possible.) To make sure you impress that special someone with your thoughtfulness and willingness to go that extra mile, may we suggest this time-honored sentiment? "I paid an extra $20 to put this phrase on here." Simple. Elegant. Classy as all get-out.

Of course, we realize that not everyone might be able to afford to buy iPods for everyone on their gift list this year, especially given that the economy is over there in that dank corner huddled in a fetal position and making pathetic little whimpering noises while it quivers and chews on wet cigarette butts. For those people, we recommend buying the engraving without the actual iPod. That way you're only paying $19.95 by defraying the cost of the iPod itself, and your loved one still gets your thoughtful personal message delivered in a tasteful Apple box. Thrifty, but still every bit as special! (Please note: an AppleCare Protection Plan that extends your engraving's 90-day warranty coverage to three full years is just $249 more-- a small price to pay for peace of mind.)

May the powers that be have mercy on us all for allowing society to reach this nadir instead of simply putting it out of its misery first: not only was Microsoft's ill-conceived and insulting-on-oh-so-many-levels Ms. M.o.X.i.e. contest not a joke, but faithful viewer Dave now informs us that voting is now open for 'net denizens to choose a winner from among ten finalists. Which, means, we surmise, that the company was able to scrape up at least ten "savvy businesswomen" just brimming over with "gutsy determination" who felt that entering said contest wasn't driving the final nail into the coffin of all that's tasteful and pure in the world. (Microsoft is nothing if not resourceful.)

Ironically enough, when originally satirizing the contest, we facetiously suggested that Microsoft require each entrant to provide an 8x10 glossy-- you know, to prove that their determination was "gutsy" enough for a pageant of this caliber. So what do we find now? There really is a head shot of each finalist, complete with "come hither" look (though some of the ladies' looks are coming hitherer than others). Indeed, despite the fact that Microsoft tells us to vote for the woman who best exemplifies "originality of business practice," "proven success," "agility and business insight," "illustrated use of Macintosh and a version of Office for Mac," and "overall achievement as a smart and determined businesswoman," the voting page itself simply lists the finalists' ten names and their accompanying photos; you need to click links to find anything out about the women other than what they look like. Unless, of course, that photo of Jessica Alpert-Goldman inspires you to say "Wow, check out her business acumen! I wouldn't mind testing her 'agility,' if you know what I mean!"

Frankly, we're having a little trouble picking a winner. When asked "what she'd do if she were crowned Ms. M.o.X.i.e.," not one of the finalists-- not one, mind you-- used the phrase "world peace" even once in her answer. We might have been able to overlook that grievous pageant sin if any of them had at least pledged to "rid the world of well-meaning but misguided and innovation-stifling antitrust legislation," but alas, none of that, either. What's more, none of the finalists appears to be romantically linked to a much-older celebrity, which we assumed was a prerequisite, judging by Microsoft's choice to employ erstwhile Seinfeld teenage kuddle-kitten Shoshanna Lonstein as the Ms. M.o.X.i.e. poster girl. And here's the real disappointment: none of the finalists' photos is a clip art image! Given that this is a Microsoft contest, we were sure that at least seven of the ten finalists would look exactly like this chick. Go figure.

But since we feel a duty to endorse a single finalist in this epic battle of feminine business savvy (Gambling? Us? Never!), we decided to pick a winner the old-fashioned way: we threw a dart at the page of winners. In hindsight, we probably should have printed it out first, but nobody's perfect. Anyway, we're pleased to announced that AtAT is officially backing Ms. Cindy LaBreacht of LaBreacht Design. Good luck, Cindy-- and if you win in part because of our virtually unbounded influence on the voting public, would you consider spending some of that $10,000 prize money on a new Cinema Display for the AtAT compound? Our current one seems to have a hole in it for some reason.